The Longest Month

It was one month yesterday since I was officially diagnosed with cancer.  It has been the longest month of my life!  It's also been the most transforming month of my life.  It's crazy how everything about my life has changed.  I miss my old life.  I really miss work.  I love teaching, and I love my school.  I miss my students and my colleagues.  I even miss getting dressed up everyday.  Now I change from pyjamas to sweat pants and feel all spiffed up!   I miss having enough energy to get up at 5:30 am, work out, work all day,  pick up the girls from school, make dinner, drive the girls to activities, do some lesson planning, and read a good book before bed.  Now it's almost noon by the time I'm ready to start my day!  I don't miss the crazy, hectic schedule I used to be controlled by.   I do enjoy my lazy mornings in which I have time to read, pray and meditate before I do anything.  I also enjoy the time I have had to connect with friends over the past few weeks.  I've had lots of great conversations with many special people.  I hate the dread I feel everyday as I think about what the next few weeks of my life holds.  But I love the calmness I feel when I remember that God is carrying me through this, and I love how He is showing me Himself in various ways each day.  I'm sad that I often don't feel great.  But I'm happy I get to spend more quality time with my family.  I often wake up in the morning and have to convince myself that this really is my new life.  I look forward to returning to good health and being able to do the things I miss.  But I also hope I don't ever forget the good parts of my current life and use this season of my life to guide my priorities in the future.

December starts tomorrow.  It will be a very different Christmas for us this year.  I'm curious to know how it will all turn out.   Maybe we will learn to appreciate being at home, together in a whole new way!  

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares The Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you."  Jeremiah 29:11

A Plan and Protein Shakes

I finally have a plan in place.  My doctors met, discussed, and came to a consensus.   I start my road to a cure tomorrow.  I'm going to the Cancer Care radiation clinic to be scanned and marked for radiation treatments.  Then the team working with me needs two weeks to plan dosages and precise procedures.   My first day of chemo/radiation begins on Dec.10.  Most likely, every Tuesday will be my long day (chemo and radiation).  All the other days of the week will be just radiation.  This will go on for 5 weeks.  The only days I get off are Christmas Day and New Year's Day.  So I'm sure I'll be tired of the hospital by the time my 5 weeks are over.   The best part of my conversation with my doctor today was when he said, "We are treating you with a cure as our goal, not just to shrink your tumour, to rid you of cancer".  I hope this goal is achieved in the next 7 weeks of my life.

 I'm supposed to concentrate on resting and gaining weight for the next 2 weeks - I guess there's a first for everything! As my nurse said, "Make every calorie count".   I was told eat green vegetables, but melt cheese on them.  Don't drink skim milk, drink whole milk.  Use lots of butter, cream cheese and sour cream.   So I'm trying.  I've also started making green juice for breakfast everyday and protein shakes for snacks.  The green juice is a bit difficult, I'm hoping it's an "acquired taste" that I can acquire soon.

It actually feels really good to have a plan in place (it's a plan I had hoped to avoid my whole life), but at least now I know what is going to take place.  And I can honestly say, I continue to have a supernatural sence of peace about everything going on in my life.  I know that God is carrying me through this journey.  This summer I was privileged to travel to Bolivia with a team from my church.  It was a life changing experience for me.  One of the lessons that I came home with from my trip is that "God will always give me enough to get through what I need to for TODAY." I observed people living in poverty, and trusting God for their daily basic needs.  He didn't give them lots of extras, but he gave enough.  My needs are different then food and water; I need courage, physical strength, and peace of mind.  But I know if I trust God, he will give me enough for each day of treatment, maybe not a lot extra, but enough.  Knowing this gives me peace and hope.

Off to drink one more protein shake and enjoy the Jets game with Darryl.

More Unknowns

The last 24 hours have been difficult and filled with the unknown again.  I went to meet my radiation doctor on Thursday expecting to be educated on radiation/chemo and to set up my schedule.  Instead, he told me he felt surgery was a better option for me and my kind of cancer.  He had wanted to discuss this with my oncologist prior to my appointment; however, she was called out of the clinic for surgery all day.  So I'm not sure what to think.......my oncologist surgeon feels radiation is better and my radiation doctor feels surgery is better!   So I left the clinic feeling like no one wants to treat me!  It is times like these when it's so hard to not be discouraged and to get consumed in self pity.  I rely on the encouragement of others and prayer to get my mind and spirit back to a better place.  We receive many encouraging e-mails daily.  All of them are encouraging and give us hope.  This past week there have been two that I go back to often (they are both from strong women that have been through their own crisis'). I hope they don't mind that I'm going to use their words to share what's on my heart today:

"God's gift to us in the dark times is the clarity to see what's really important in life and to savour every moment of happiness and laughter.  You will take this gift with you for the rest of your life because you really KNOW what this means"

"You've got to let this all unfold and trust that God has your situation firmly in his hands.  Faith isn't worth anything if there's no need for blind trust.  One of the lessons I've learned over these past years is to live with and even relish uncertainty.  It's not easy at first but you'll get the hang of it and will find it useful throughout your life......stay in the moment rather then focussing on what's to come"

So for this weekend, I'm focusing on my family and trying my best to make happy memories with them.  I'm celebrating that I feel pretty good right now, and I can have fun!

The doctors involved in my case are meeting early next week to make a decision how to move forward.....surgery or radiation?  They will let me know once they discuss it and decide what is best for me.  I am thankful that they are thinking all options through carefully.  And for today I'm focussing on my faith, family and fun!

My Fight Begins

Today has been an up and down day and a very long day, so I'm going to keep it short and factual (not a lot of inspiration today).  I found out I have stage 1 cancer - which is really good news.  This means all of the cancer is contained in my cervix and has not spread to any other parts of me.  The bad news is that the tumour is quite large.  So large that the doctors feel surgery is not my best plan of treatment.  So I will be starting chemotherapy and radiation in the next 2 weeks.  I meet with my radiation team on Thursday to make official plans. I will go for radiation Monday through Friday (5 days a week) for five consecutive weeks.  During this time, I will have chemotherapy once a week.  This is still just sinking in.  Based on previous appointments, I was not expecting this.  I had thought surgery was a great quick fix.  But the doctors really emphasized how invasive surgery would be and how long my recovery would be.  They also explained that I would for sure need radiation after surgery, so why go through both if I can just do one treatment plan?   They felt very strongly that radiation (with a little chemo) is the best way to treat the size of tumour I have and the kind of cancer I have (I have a rare, more aggressive kind that is less common).  Apparently my kind responds really well to radiation.   So the secret of what is going on in my body is finally revealed.  I got good news and surprising news.   I'm dreading chemo and radiation, but it will feel good to be DOING something against cancer.  My girls are happy I won't have a long hospital visit.  I'm happy I don't have to recover from surgery.  Hopefully I don't get too sick during treatments.  So there you have it.  It does feel great to know what's going on and what to expect.  Thank you for all of your prayers and care.  We will continue to need these as we move forward.  We do feel so much love from so many people - thank you!

MRI's Complete

MRI's are complete!  Darryl is now ready for his surgery....he had an MRI done yesterday using the same MRI equipment that will be used throughout his surgery.  As he left the MRI room, he mentioned to the clerk that his poor, sick wife has been waiting for an urgent MRI for over a week.  The clerk managed to find my file buried in the bottom of a pile of papers.  Within 10 minutes, I got the call that an MRI had been booked for me.  We are learning through this process that we have to advocate for ourselves in order to move forward sometimes.  So I lay completely still for an entire hour this afternoon.  Laying still was hard, but easier then waiting.  It felt great to finally DO something about my cancer instead of just sitting at home thinking about it!  Darryl won't be getting results; the purpose of his MRI was to prepare for surgery.  I will get my results at my oncology appointment this coming Tuesday.  I'm very anxious about my appointment on Tuesday.....it will be the day where I find out how much of a fight I have ahead of me.  There is a very popular verse that people share when you are in a crisis:  "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds."  (Philippians 4:6&7).  It's really hard to not be anxious about Tuesday; I have to remind myself at least 100 times a day to not be anxious.  One way to lessen my anxiety is to make a list of my "requests" (I have many, but this is my "Tuesday short list")
*that the cancer has not spread
*that only surgery will be needed for treatment
*that surgery will be scheduled really soon
*that my blood clot will not complicate things
*that I will be assigned a compassionate doctor/medical team
*that I will be able to come home with a clear plan in place
I know God may not grant all of these requests, and I have to be okay with whatever comes my way, but I will remain hopeful!

Thank you to everyone who continues to support us in so many different ways.  All of your support does help.  You all give us hope.

MRI Madness

Waiting is the hardest part for me.  I was told last week that I would for sure have an MRI this week.  I need an MRI to determine what stage of cancer I have, if it's spread and how large it is.  All of this info will determine what kind of treatment I need.  In 5 days I meet my oncologist, at this appointment I will find out my treatment plan.  But I still don't even have an apt. for my MRI.  Today I was told that I've been put on the urgent list and as soon as there is a cancellation or they get ahead in their schedule, they will call me.  I need to be ready to go all the time.  My phone is always with me with the volume turned up!  The funny part is, Darryl does have an MRI tomorrow morning.  We've been joking that maybe we can go for a couples MRI!!!   But so far my phone is silent.  Darryl will be having his MRI in the operating room where his surgery will take place.   He was very fortunate to be assigned to one of the new MRI operating suites at HSC for his surgery.  The surgeons will be able to look at an MRI throughout his surgery to monitor progress.  I've talked so much about my issues in my posts, but tomorrow's MRI is a reminder of what waits around the corner for Darryl:  he will have an incision on the top of his head (straight up from his ear).  They will peel his skin forward.  They will drill into his skull where his eyebrow is and remove the tumour.  His tumour is about 2/3 the size if his eyeball.  It is sitting on his optic nerve and forcing it to make a c-shape instead of a straight line.  He is guaranteed to have double vision after the surgery, but hopefully it will not last.  Right now Darryl has had no vision impairment, so returning to perfect vision would be a huge blessing.  So we say my surgery is urgent, and we hope it happens soon so the cancer doesn't get a chance to spread.  Darryl's surgery is delicate, complicated and scary.  For me we still have a lot of unknowns.  For him we know what to expect but fear the risks.   So these are the things we think about everyday.    These are the concerns that we go to bed wondering about.

Just today I received an e-mail from someone going through similar medical issues.  She shared these verses to encourage me:  "the Lord says I will rescue those who love me.  I will protect those who trust in my name.  When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble.  I will rescue and honour them.  I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation" Psalm 91:14-16. So tonight I will go to bed thinking about this instead of upcoming surgeries and hope that I get a restful, peaceful sleep.

It's a Family Affair

The hardest part of living with cancer so far, has been seeing my girls live through it with me.  They are 8 and 10  years old - way too young to have to live with sick parents.  They have been forced to grow up quickly in the past few weeks:  helping around the house, getting themselves ready in the mornings, and taking on more responsibilities for what's happening in their own lives, as I often appear to be the dead beat mom who has trouble getting out of bed in the morning, can't do much around the house, and forgets about field trips and choir practices on a regular basis.    I look at them differently now....I'm in awe of them.  They are beautiful, becoming-independent girls, with their own likes/dislikes, emotions, personalities, and opinions.  I love who they are becoming.  They take care of me and have so much compassion.  They can talk about cancer without getting emotional and move on like it's no big deal because they are completely filled with hope that this is just a bad season in life.  They dread my hospital visits and not having me at home.  This dread shows itself in lots of ways.   They are extremely possessive of me right now: they argue over who will sit beside me when we watch a movie.  They can't sleep without giving me 10 hugs and kisses each night.  They sleep together so they can console each other.   I am thankful that they have each other.  I know full well that they will be changed by all of this; we can't live through this and not be changed.  We pray that they will not become bitter or resentful, but rather stronger, more compassionate, more dependent on their faith in God, and closer to us and each other.   We are hopeful that good will prevail for them, but it's a lot to live through right now.

The next hardest part is watching my parents live through this (again).  My brother Jason died from leukaemia 33 years ago; he was seven years old.  It seems so unfair that they have to watch a second child live through cancer.  I know my diagnosis has stirred up sad memories.  I know they both wish it could be them instead of me (but I'm glad it is what it is).  My prognosis is so much more promising then Jason's was - this gives them hope.  I've heard the saying, "you never stop being a parent".  My parents are living proof if this.   They check on me each day, care for my physical needs (and my family's) when we can't, and would do anything we ask.   I'm thankful for the friends and family members that are supporting them right now because they need it.  They are grieving just as we are.  The waiting for more information is as painful for them as it is for us.  And they are experienced with this process, this trying difficult process.

I was told "when you get diagnosed with cancer, your whole family gets diagnosed." This is so true.  Pray for our family:  our girls, my parents, my brother and his family, Darryl's parents, Darryl's sisters and niece.  We are going through this together.  We are so thankful for our families. Every member has been extremely supportive; helping us cope.

Darryl cannot be forgotten in all of this.  I told him this weekend, "if I have to go through this, I'm glad it's with you."  And I meant it.  Just his presence makes me feel better.  He has held my hand through every appointment.  He's held me as I've cried.  He helps with my injections every night.  He listens to my endless talking/analyzing.  He is the absolute love of my life.  I could not get through this without him.

Riding a Meal Train is a Joyride

I had never heard of the Meal Train before I was put on one; it's so amazing!  A good friend of ours offered to start a meal train for us.  It's a website that allows people to sign up to provide meals for us.  On the website are special instructions about when/ where to drop off food, foods we like, and each person states what they will be bringing.  So we get a wide variety of different food.  I have not cooked a supper since Oct. 14, and we will continue to have suppers delivered until the end of November.  Furthermore, we have had delicious meals.  I'm feeling a bit spoiled, and I'm worried my family may never want to go back to my cooking!  I do have to admit that some days I need a lot of sleep and still have a fair bit of discomfort on a regular basis.  I can rest better knowing supper is coming.  Darryl usually has a lot of pressure behind his eye when he comes home from work; it's nice that he hasn't had to worry about cooking.  When we are busy with medical appointments, it's relieving to know our suppers are taken care of.  So, for us right now, the meal train has saved us a ton of stress.  A huge thank you to everyone who has signed up and brought us amazing meals.

I'm feeling especially tired today, and lots of discomfort.  Not sure why?  Of course my mind races in a million directions and thinks the worse.  I need to stop those thoughts and remind myself  "God is my refuge and my strength, an ever-present help in trouble" (Psalm 46:1). I know he is in control of all future plans.....this is the only place where I can rest.   Darryl has also experienced a lot of head pressure for the past few days.  It seems time always passes too quickly, but our next appointments seem far away.   Thanks for your prayers.

Thankful for Normal

We all have "normal" in our lives.  It's different for everyone, but it's consistent, expected, comfortable.   We often crave to have a break from our normal, so we go on vacation, treat ourselves to something new, or experiment with a different activity.   For us right now, we love feeling "normal".  Today was a terrific day because it was filled with normal activities.  We watched our girls play basketball.  I talked with the other basketball moms about normal stuff:  school, carpools, shopping lists, cupboard handles etc.  I appreciate that these friends treat me like me.  After basketball I did some Christmas shopping (I'm almost done - no time for procrastinating this year!).  I walked around Toys R Us and looked like a normal mom buying gifts for her kids.  Then I came home and my mom and dad stopped by and brought us fresh pie, which is also one of our lucky normals (my mom makes the best pie ever).  We had two friends stop by to help us move some furniture. (Thank you!) (We converted our study into a spare room for family and friends).  These friends, Darryl and I all talked and joked around like everything was normal.  This evening we relaxed and visited with friends, while our kids played in the basement, which is what we would normally do on a Saturday evening.  Today I didn't feel like a cancer patient; in fact, there were moments when I didn't even think about cancer.  I know not all days can be like this, but I appreciate my normals so much.  I hope I never forget to appreciate them.

Oh yeah one more normal happened last night: for the first time in weeks, I slept a full eight hours!   I didn't even need a nap today.  Let's hope this becomes a consistent normal soon.


"This is the day that The Lord has made.  I will be glad and rejoice in it". Psalm 118:24


I have adjusted my settings, so you should be able to leave comments if you like.  Sorry - this is all new for me.

Hundreds of Blessings

Okay my first post was filled with all the sad news we've gotten over the past few months.  Now it"s time to focus on the blessings because there truly are hundreds.  We've learned that even during our lowest days, we are surrounded by blessings.  Probably our lowest day so far was the day I went into the ER.  Both Darryl and I (and my mom who was at home with our girls) were really scared that night.  At one point, Darryl looked at me through glassy eyes and said, "I think we need to start looking at all the blessings we have amongst all the bad news in order to cope".  I feel like that was a key moment in shifting our thinking.  Now we end every single day listing the blessings that God has given us that day as a family, and there are so many:

We have the best friends and family members in the world.  Many friends check in on us daily to make sure we're okay.  Our parents drop everything to help out, or they move in when we need.  I haven't made a meal in almost a month!  The flowers, the cards, the texts, the e-mails, the treats for us and our girls, the phone calls,  the visits, offers to help us and our kids have all meant so much to us.  What truly amazes us is how the people around us put love into action.  So often when I hear about someone going through a hard time, I feel bad for them, but don't always do something for them.  But from now on I will!  Even my Bunko friends sacrificed their November winnings to buy me an amazing care package!  I wish we didn't have to go through a crisis to feel the love we feel from hundreds of people right now.   But it certainly makes going through a crisis easier.  It is truly amazing!

We also see God taking care of us.  Some might question "How can God let so much happen to one family at the same time?"  And it's a fair question that we will probably never know the answer to,  but we can't get stuck dwelling on "why me."  Instead we ask, "why not me?"    Even though it's hard to be living with medical complications, we do know God is still taking care of us through our situations.  We feel Him giving us strength and care:  providing amazing medical teams, providing perfect timng for phone calls (I was never alone when bad news came),  taking care of logistics that are out of our hands,  giving us a peace that we can't explain.  So many people have told us they are praying for us - and we are certain these prayers are carrying us through each day.   Our problems are huge, but our blessings are just as huge!!!

As a result we have hope!  So much hope that we get up each morning ready to face our day.  Hope that our surgeries will go well,  hope that our girls will build character not bitterness through all of this,  hope that we will all be at home for Christmas, hope that we will be a happy healthy family again soon.

Thanks for taking the time to join in our hope adventure!  Thank you for all the e-mails you have sent since my first post. We read them all and love hearing from all of you.  We can't respond to everyone, but please keep sending them.

We have had many people share Bibke verses with us to encourage us.  I'd like to share some on my posts:  "Ever good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."  James 1:17

How Our Crisis Began

About a year ago, I felt like my family was on the brink of big changes....I didn't know what it was but I had this feeling that we were going to experience something huge.  I thought maybe an adventure to some exotic place.  Little did I know our adventure would take place in Winnipeg and would present us with the toughest challenges we have ever faced:  Cancer and a Craniotomy

Here's our story:
For about 6 months prior to May, 2013, Darryl (my husband) started experiencing bad headaches sporadically.  Near the end of May, the headaches turned into a sharp pain behind his eye.  After visiting the ER, we were told that he had a tumour behind his right eye.  We were shocked.  At the time, we came to understand that removing it would be a risky surgery, so he should manage it with pain meds and live with it.  A follow up apt with a neuro surgeon would take place in 2-3 months.   Aug. 15, Darryl sat in his surgeon's office and was told "the tumour needs to go."  Details of a serious and scary surgery were outlined.  We were sad, but ready to face our challenge.

About this same time, I started experiencing some "abnormal" woman issues.  I was visiting my gynaecologist on a regular basis after abnormal cells had been discovered after a Pap test a year and a half earlier.  But so far results were good, and I was hopeful. So I was in denial when I started experiencing "symptoms."  Finally I called my Dr -just to be sure.  More tests were done.  On Sept. 19, I had an appt to get results.  My Dr told me I needed to have a cone biopsy done - to rule out the possibility of having cancer.  This minor surgery took place on Oct.18.  It was a fairly simple procedure - day surgery.  I went home and slept a lot.  2 days after surgery I woke up with severe pain in my left calf.  I waited until the following day to have it looked at.  I limped my way back to my Dr's office.  Before sending me for an ultra sound, she gave me the news that changed my life:  "Your surgery went well, but I'm fairly certain your results will come back positive".   Seeking clarification, I responded, "You mean you think I have cancer?"  Unfortunately she responded with a nod.   I often wondered what would I do when I heard those words?  I phoned Darryl.  My parents were with me.  We sat on a bench in HSC and stared out of a window for a long time.  When Darryl came, so did the tears.   An hour later, I was told I had a deep vein clot in my calf (after an ultra sound).  My dr. was very concerned about the clot and felt it needed immediate attention.  I was admitted into the hospital, I didn't get to go home and process all that I had learned.  I spent a long, lonely, sleepless night in the hospital trying to convince myself that I had cancer - I couldn't even say the c-word.   The following day, I had lots of visitors which helped my morning fly by.  Then a haematologist came to see me regarding my blood clot.  He solemnly told me this clot in my leg was more then likely a result of cancer existing in my body.  He was confirming what my Dr had already predicted.  I was put on blood thinners to get rid of the clot and discharged after 26 hours of being observed.  I was happy to be at home.  I enjoyed tucking my girls into bed that night.  We laughed and read stories.....life felt normal, except the looming cloud hanging over my head - which I would not let my girls see.  At 2 am I woke up in a pool of blood (literally).  Darryl and I were both panicking. We had to make quick decisions as the blood ran out of me.  We probably made the wrong decision -Darryl drove me to the ER at a very high speed!  They were prepared for my arrival.  They whisked me into a private room and tried to stop the bleeding.    After being examined by several dr's the bleeding did slow down.  They concluded that I had too much blood thinning medicine in me.  They worked on finding a balance: getting rid of a clot and not causing excessive bleeding.  After 8 hours they sent me home.  Needless to say, I slept with one eye open for the next several nights.  I spent the next 8 days waiting for the phone to ring....I needed pathology to confirm what all the doctors suspected.  Waiting was painful.  I thought of all the responsibilities I needed to take care of, but didn't want to in case the doctors were wrong.  People make mistakes, right?  Oct. 29, 5:30 pm my diagnosis was confirmed.  "You do have cervical cancer" came through the lines.  Now I had to tell my kids, my work, my students, my family.  I experienced a deep sadness I had never felt before.

In the midst of all of my hospital drama, Darryl got his surgery date:  Dec. 17.    The pressure behind his eye was increasing, but he knew in light of all that lay ahead for our family, he couldn't not ask for an earlier date.

I have started coming to terms with my new identity:  a cancer patient.  I am waiting to get my fight into action.  I need to have an MRI done in the next few days to determine what stage of cancer I have.  Then a treatment plan will be put into place.  My best scenario is a full hysterectomy and I'm cancer free.  Next best:  surgery followed by radiation.  My worst option:  the cancer has spread or grown too large for surgery and I need chemo/radiation before surgery.   I'm back to waiting and praying for the best scenario.

There is so much more to tell, but it needs to come in segments.  This is the facts; thoughts and insights are soon to follow.