Merry Christmas/Happy New Year

It's been a long time since I've updated the blog...sorry to those of you who check it frequently.  We've been busy having a very special Christmas.  I felt exceptionally good throughout the holidays, and we spent lots of time celebrating with friends and family.  We stayed up late, played games, laughed, visited and figured out ways to enjoy Christmas food without sugar.  Many have stopped to ask me what my special gifts to the girls were this year....I completely forgot that I wrote about it a while ago and didn't realize that so many were suspiciously waiting to hear about them.  I wrote a book for each of them called, "My Wishes for You".  I filled each book with pictures of me and them and wrote about my 12 top wishes for their lives.  Each wish fills up a page, so it was a lot of writing.  I know it's a gift that they will appreciate even more in the future then they do right now.  They do love them already, and each book has found a special spot to be kept and protected.  I have walked into bedrooms after tucking them in to find them reading their books with a flashlight under the covers.  I hope that one day the pages are worn out from being read so often.  I was able to make a gift for each family member this year:  knitted scarves for my sister-in-laws, personal picture calendars for our parents, a letter for my brother and the hardest of all: a book for Darryl. There was no way of saying what I wanted to Darryl because the words of expression that he deserves don't exist, so I didn't even attempt it.  Instead, I kept it light and made a top 10 book for him.  I listed all sorts of things in it: top ten dinners out, top ten camping trips, top ten vacations etc.  It was a fun way of remembering how blessed we are right now and how blessed we have been for the past 20 years!  These gifts were so fun to give, and a joy to make.  They took tons of time and thinking, but they meant a lot to me and to the ones who received them.  I also received many thoughtful and heart warming gifts from friends and family.  I was so touched by the thought and meaning that each gift represented in my life and relationships.  Aside from gifts, we focused more on why we celebrate Christmas: because Jesus came to earth as a baby to save us.  We enjoyed the presence of loved ones around us.  I savoured each moment as best I could and tried hard to not let my mind wander out of the present.  I tried my best to not jump ahead to wondering what next Christmas would bring and rather returned my mind to being thankful for this year.
I have already felt myself slip into low moments as Christmas has come to an end.  The gifts that I have spent so much time on are now given.  The parties and social events are almost over and life will return to "normal" again, but I still am not sure what my "normal" is.  But I'm more prepared this time.  I'm learning that transition times are extremely hard for me, and I need to brace myself for them....how?  By making plans.  I will join a Bible study group at my church to help encourage my soul, I will continue to go to my Yoga class which helps me feel physically better and stronger,  I may possibly volunteer more in a school setting to keep my mind thinking like a teacher, I will get back to my routine workout regime so my body continues to get stronger, I will continue to discover new recipes that contribute to my health, and I may start writing more and taking on more speaking engagements.  Having a plan helps keep my mind focused on now.  Having purposeful plans helps me feel useful and needed.  Many will set New Year's Resolutions in the next few days.  Mine is to keep defining my new normal and figuring out who I am as I learn to live the life I have been given.  I have learned that pushing problems aside is not the best way to handle them.  Trying to solve every problem that hits me isn't the answer either.  It is better to embrace problems and live through them, so I am transformed into what I was intended to become - I am looking to see what God is telling me through these problems.  I have no idea what "problems" lay ahead this year, but learning to embrace them and accept them is a gift that I am slowly understanding and even appreciating.

Today has been a sad day for me.  One of my dearest cancer friends passed away yesterday.  We were diagnosed with genealogical cancers only 4 months apart.  We had the same doctors and although our treatment plans were very different; we understood each other.  When I was down after finding out my cancer was not curable, she was doing well and was one of the first ones on my doorstep encouraging me to keep fighting.  She started getting worse in August and continued to get more sick.  I'm incredibly sad for her family....she was a beautiful mom and wife.  What an enormous loss for them; a complete tragedy.   I am happy that she is no longer suffering; I know with all of me that she is now in heaven.  Her and I talked about heaven a few times.  I remember one particular conversation when we dreamed together of how wonderful life would be in heaven without cancer and all the consequences that a life with cancer brings.  I know she is now happy, healed, and completely at peace.  Her life is and will continue to be awesome for eternity, but this is almost no consolation for her family.  They want her here to love her and be loved by her.  She will be missed, she will be remembered, she will leave a beautiful legacy, and we will be reunited in eternity.  There is a part of me that wonders why her and not me?  I have no answer to this question, no one does.  But I do know I will think of her everyday for the rest of my life.

Happy New Year......set resolutions that will make your life better and the lives of those around you better.  Cheers!

Contrasting Years

I'm writing this on Dec. 10, 2014.  A year ago today I started chemo and radiation.  I remember that day like it was yesterday.  I was nervous, naive, and hopeful.  My stomach turns at the thought of entering the chemo room and having it drip into my veins.  It was a beautiful room filled with caring, loving people.  I had many deep and sincere conversations in that room with the friends who went with me.  But I have no desire to go back.  That first day I went with my mom; I remember feeling like her little girl again who needed taking care of, and of course she was there to take care of me.  I remember my kids coming home from school with fear in their eyes wondering how it had gone.  And I slowly lost the ability to be their mom; the one who could take care of them.  My mom and Darryl's mom had to fill in for many weeks.  However, through it all, I was able to love my kids: hug them, tuck them in, cuddle with them.  My girls always wanted to come with me to the chemo room, but there was a part of me that refused to allow the pictures of that room to be instilled in their minds.  I'm glad I made that choice.  After finishing my first round of chemo; my mom walked me down to the radiation room.  That first radiation experience felt surreal....it still feels like a dream.  I always got a floating feel after chemo, which didn't help.  The "dungeon" felt especially lonely that first day because I was new at it.  It slowly became my routine.  As we walked through Cancer Care on that first day, I remember my mom saying to me, "I think when people look at us, they must guess that I'm the one with cancer, but it's you".  I spent so many hours at Cancer Care, and it did become a place where you guessed about peoples' stories.  I know that some of the people I met there are now survivors, some have lost their lives, and others are living with it, like me.  Living with it takes on a million different versions.  Today (a year later) I went to school and taught my beautiful grade 3 class.  They are so happy to see me every time I visit.  We told stories about losing our teeth today and laughed at all the different ways those baby teeth fall out.....such a joyful, fun class.  There were no needles to worry about, no rolling veins,  no one looking at me and trying to guess my story.  I came home thinking about how dependent I became a year ago and how I've regained my independence.  I am completely my girls' mom again....I take care of them and love them everyday.  Yesterday my mom came to spend the day with me.  We remembered our day together a year ago.  This year she said, "Somedays I still can't believe you have cancer."  This year we went shopping and hung out as friends, not me depending on her.  This year we laughed and just enjoyed each other's company.  We went to my brother's house for lunch after shopping instead of being assigned to a space at the hospital.  This year on Dec. 10 my kids will come home from school happy, and excited about the upcoming holidays, not wondering how chemo had gone.  Darryl will come home and kiss me and ask, "How was your day" without dread and sadness.   I will walk my dog with my kids as they tell me about their day instead of curling up in bed and wishing it was all over.  This year I went to the pharmacy on my way home from school to buy more meds; I was greeted by the staff with a "Hey Mel"....kind of like Norm at Cheers.  They all know me there.  But these meds don't make me feel sick; they make me feel better.   So this year on Dec. 10, I am thankful, so thankful.  Tears come to me as I think about a year ago and how much easier life is today.   I feel extra lucky that I'm not at the beginning of treatments.  However, I'm sad knowing other families are entering this Christmas Season like I did last year, with dread, fear and sickness.  For those of you who are dreading Christmas or facing sickness.....remember that Christmas is a celebration of Jesus' birth.  He came to earth to save all people.  He came to earth to provide a way for all people to someday enter heaven.  He came to show us that He loves us and wants to carry you through even the hardest year of your lives, just like He did and continues to do with me.


One extra special event happened today; my oldest daughter went on a field trip to the Forks with her choir.  After singing, she got to spend some time browsing the shops.  She found a bracelet called "Long Life".  It's a braided bracelet with 7 different coloured beads woven in.  Instead of buying herself something, she spent her money on me.  It's beautiful; she loves me in such a beautiful way.  She told me as she tied it on my wrist, "You're supposed to make a wish as I tie it on."  I responded, "I'd rather pray than wish"; she agreed.  We prayed for a long life together.

Thankful for Generosity

Our family continues to be blessed on a regular basis with incredible generosity.  People who know us, and some who don't know us, continue to help us in so many ways.  Just this Sunday someone anonymously left a beautiful card and some Christmas shopping money in our mailbox at church. What a huge blessing.   Someone who I barely know called me for coffee this week, just to encourage me and hear the latest on how I'm doing.  I get the kindest e-mails encouraging me to keep fighting and writing because my words matter.  I could go on and on and on.  (By the way I'm not writing this in hopes of more generosity).  I'm writing this to say thank you to everyone for all the beautiful ways you encourage us.  All of it makes a difference for us.  It makes us feel valued.  It makes us feel hopeful.  It makes us want to give back.  I do want to also thank God, who continues to bless us generously as well.  I continue to feel great - I feel like I'm a walking miracle most days lately.  I do not feel like I have cancer, even my mobility has improved significantly in the past few weeks.  He continues to give us peace and reminders that He cares for us. This past year has been incredibly hard, but without our faith it would have been incredibly harder.

We have another huge event that we are immensely thankful for.  Our incredibly generous friends Bill and Dan have offered, or should I say insisted on putting on a fundraiser social/concert in my honour.  The proceeds from this event will be a huge gift in helping me continue with the natural medications that I am currently taking and would like to continue.  My medication plan is big and expensive, so this is a huge gift.  I don't even know half of the work that Bill and Dan have already put into planning this evening.  They purposefully keep me out of the loop because they don't want me to feel guilty.  Several friends from various circles in my life have generously offered to help these gentlemen sell tickets for this fundraiser.  It will be held at The Oak on Jan.17.  Four extremely talented bands will be performing and some fantastic silent auction prizes will be available.  I know that not everyone reading my blog would feel comfortable at this event, and we don't want anyone to feel obligated to come.  In fact, I feel a bit silly writing about this event on my own blog, but it's the least I could do for Bill and Dan who have put so much work into this.  I've attached a poster that they created if any of you would like more information about the evening.  Two types are tickets are available - for those who are able to attend and for those who can't but would like to support.  And for those of you who can make it.....thank you for your generosity.  We are blessed.

What's Your Something?

I shared our story from start to finish with a lovely group of ladies in Morden on Tuesday.  Thank you so much for having me.  I really enjoyed the evening.  I was not nervous at all and was able to talk without really looking at my notes that often.  The words flowed.....I think I've thought through this story so many times, I can recite it in my sleep.  I certainly felt as if God put the words on my lips as they came out.  It was a lovely evening.  What was most lovely about the whole event is that I met so many interesting women who had their own story to tell.  It was such a great reminder that we all have something:  something hard, something sad, something challenging, something devastating.   And we all go through waves of "hard somethings".   Sometimes our "something" is easier than at other times.  Sometimes our joy is so great that it feels like the "somethings" disappear for a while.    I was so blessed by all the women, who are carrying "something" of their own, yet came to encourage me and to thank me for sharing my words with them.  It was so nice to have so many share their hearts with me.  I also had 2 different ladies, representing other organizations, ask me to share at different events in the near future.  This is very exciting for me.  It feels great to encourage and inspire anyone who will listen.  On Tuesday evening, I encouraged the ladies to rise above their "somethings" by fighting for joy, loving big and living in the present.  These are difficult to do when life is hard.  But I think when we do them, life seems easier, fuller, and more meaningful.  On my drive home, I thought about how my presence often makes my friends feel as if the "somethings" in their lives are insignificant in comparison to cancer.   They often feel like they can't talk about their stresses with me anymore.  But every "something" is significant.  It all matters, and all of it, is what shapes us into who we are/become.  How we feel when hard moments hit, shape us.  How we react to our "somethings" transform us.  Every hardship we face changes us and because of this, all of it matters.  I remind myself of this before I'm too quick to pass judgement on someone who is sad, grumpy or short with me.  I wonder what it is that has shaped them into becoming this way.  I also try hard to not let my stress affect my interactions; I often fail at this.  I come across as unfriendly, when really I'm in deep thoughts about life.  Or I appear to be uninterested when I'm constantly consumed with fears about my future.  I think what we are experiencing in life affects our everyday words and actions more then we think.  As you do your Christmas shopping this year, take note of all the unhappy shoppers.....why?  Why are so many unhappy?  What are the "somethings" going on in their lives?  I sometimes try to guess.  I also remind myself of how "normal" I look on the outside and can so easily hide my true thoughts and feelings.  There have been times when I'm in a public setting feeling sad and sorry for myself.  I wonder what people think of me based on first impressions.  I hope most would be surprised to know what is really going on.  I think as we busy ourselves with shopping for the holidays and going to Christmas parties, where we all put on a happy face and appear presentable, it's good to remember that everyone is carrying a "something".  There are thoughts and stresses that often run deep into people souls.  We need to consider this as we interact with others, show kindness, and show gratitude.  In the Bible there is a verse that says:  "In this world you will have trouble, but take heart!  I have overcome the world"  John 16:33.   In other words, God has promised that we will have trouble.  But He will help us through these troubles if we ask Him to.  If you've never asked God to help you through something hard, give it a try.  You may be surprised by the outcome.  What I have found is that He often does not take the something hard away, but He changes my heart and my attitude to see life as He wants me to.  He has also taught me to have joy despite the hardships.  I'm so thankful for joy; it makes life worth living.

My Busy Life

I have been so busy for the past few weeks.  Doing what? you may ask.......

I have taught twice already.  It's been amazing to be back in the classroom.  Within 5 minutes, I felt completely relaxed and everything came back to me.  The students are so enthusiastic about learning about empathy, and of course, they love the baby visits.  Our baby is adorable.  She is only 3 months old, but already a ray of sunshine when she enters the room.  Both times I taught, I left feeling like I was still a staff member, like time had not passed and I still belonged there.  But then I go home and feel so distant from that part of my life.  Teaching feels so long ago.  I miss it and cherish these mornings back at school.  However, there is a part of me that seems to be growing ok with not being in the classroom full-time.  I guess because I'm finding other ways to be useful and challenged.  Everyday I seem to find things to do that are meaningful and important.

One thing I do several times a week is meet with lots of different friends (old and new), often to go for a walk or meet for coffee (or green tea).  I love these one-on-one times.   I'm often blown away with the level of deep conversations I get into with everyone I meet.  I learn a lot from every person I meet and often walk away feeling encouraged, challenged, and inspired.  This has helped me stay intellectually fit.

I've also been busy getting ready for my first speaking engagement.  I will be the guest speaker at a Christmas banquet in my mom's church.  I'm really enjoying preparing for it, and I can't wait to see how it all comes together.  I've been asked to "share my story".  It's a challenge for me to keep my story contained in the amount of time given.  I could probably fill 2 hours, but I promise I won't.  I feel like God has given me lots to share.  Someone recently asked if I get nervous before speaking, and I can honestly say I get excited, but not nervous.  I feel like this is what I'm supposed to be doing.  If even a handful of people can learn from me, be inspired by me or challenged by what I have to say, it helps validate what I've been through over the past year.  It gives me the purpose I miss in teaching.  I think I love to teach because I like to make a difference.  So this is my new avenue for making a difference (for now).

Another time filler for me has been planning for Christmas.  I've really challenged myself with this one.  Before I say what I'm about to say, I want to make it clear that I have not given up or given in to cancer.  I plan on living for many years.  However, I have allowed myself to consider, "What if this is my last Christmas?"  Everyone should consider this.  If it is, what gifts do I want to give?  What gift would help people remember me?  What gift could make a difference to the people I'm giving it to?  I have particularly considered this for my daughters.  I have put a lot of thought and hard work into making something for them that I'm pretty sure they will love.  It will help them remember me for as long as they live.  And I hope it will influence them throughout their lives.  That's all I'm saying; I've already said too much.  There are too many of you who read this that see them everyday.  I don't want anyone messing up my surprise!  They have no idea that I made them anything.  This has been challenging and fun for me.  It has also helped me reflect and be so thankful for the life God has blessed me with.

Amongst all of this intellectual business, I continue to work hard at keeping this radiated body working.  I work out for at least an hour everyday doing a variety of different forms of exercise:  pilates, yoga, stretching, core strengthening, balancing, and walking (thanks to Jett).  My movement is much better, but I know if I rest I will revert back to stiff joints and muscles quickly. (This is a consequence of radiation).   I have developed severe numbness in my feet and a bit in my hands - I mentioned this in a previous blog entry.  It's gotten worse.  Unlike my teaching that came back so naturally, some physical activities are not, particularly my curling skills.  I've curled for at least 20 years.  But after taking a break for 2 years, and having no feeling in my feet, it's been a challenge to get back into it.  Trying to slide gracefully on ice with no feeling in your feet is really hard!!!  I think I provided some comic relief for my teammates my first time on the ice!  At least I could join in the laughing.  It was quite the sight.  It feels so strange to have to relearn activities that I once knew so well.  At the same time, it amazes me that my brain can tell my body what to do based on memory instead of feeling.

The other part of everyday that is very time consuming is cooking.  When you eat clean, you also chop, peel, and slice a lot.  Everything we eat is fresh and homemade these days.  My dietary changes have forced me to experiment and figure out new ways to eat healthy and feed my family better.  I've started to think of my kitchen as a science lab.  My latest crazy discovery is Bread in a Mug, from the book Trim Healthy Mama.  I didn't believe it would work but it does:  mix 2 eggs, 2 tablespoons of ground up flaxseed, 2 1/2 tablespoons of almond flour, a dash or baking soda and a dash of salt in a mug or small bowl that can go in the microwave or oven.  Mix it together and put it in the microwave for 2 minutes or in the oven at 350 for about 10 minutes and voila you'll have a little round loaf of bread that has no grains or sugar!  It's crazy.

So that sums up my busy new life.  It's all really great.  I continue to feel really well, and I'm so thankful everyday that I get to enjoy all of these activities, plus be so much more involved in my girls' lives.  I've also decided I don't have time for chemo right now.  Nor do I want to give up how good I'm feeling, so we're putting it off until January, then we'll reconsider.  Life is good right now; my heart overflows with joy!


Here are a few pictures of me teaching today.

One Year and More Results

As of yesterday, I have lived knowing I have cancer for one year.  In some ways, it feels like that year has been 10 years long, and in other ways, it feels like I got diagnosed just yesterday.  I spent my morning yesterday reading my blog entries from beginning to end.  I have never ever gone back to read a single one of them before yesterday.  After I publish, I never go back, I always just look forward and don't want to reminise.  But yesterday, I felt compelled to go back a reread all of it.  It was actually a great reminder to see where we were, where we've come, and all that we have conquered.  It was good for me to go back and see how much my body has been through in one year and how much my heart and spirit have grown.  It was good to go back and see how sick I was in comparison to how good I feel right now.  It was good to remember some of the hard days and how much stronger we are because of them.

After reminiscing, it was time to face another blow yesterday afternoon.  We got to mark our one year date with another oncology appointment, ironically I was put in the room I was diagnosed in - this is the first time I have been in that room since that day.  I had my PET scan last week, and yesterday we got results.  Unfortunately, it was more bad news with a bit of good news.  The bad news is the cancer has spread to my aortic lymph nodes (these are just above my cervix).  The fact that it has metastasized means it is not stopping, it is not giving in, it is continuing to grow.  It is still relatively small and contained to a central location in my body, but it is spreading.  Our small slice of good news is that the primary tumor has shrunk slightly and the area of cancerous lymph nodes prior to surgery appears to be clear.   It's also good that it has not metastasized to other parts of my body.  But none the less, it has spread.  So now what?  We've been asking ourselves this for the past 24 hours and have not come to any conclusions yet.  There are hundreds of questions that we do not have answers for.  Did the cancer spread before my surgery and more importantly before I started my new drugs/supplements?  No one on earth knows.  Did my primary tumor shrink because of my new drugs/supplements?  No one knows.  Would my cancer have spread more if I hadn't changed my diet?  No one knows.  My doctors offered another round of chemo to attack the cancer that is still in me.  They have assured me that it won't cure me, but it could stabilize the cancer for a period of time.  But I also know I will be sick on chemo.  However, it is a different kind, and I would only have it administered once every 21 days instead of every week.  I felt absolutely no pressure to start this immediately.  My team of doctors and nurses know I'm feeling great right now, and they have left the decision to do chemo or not, up to me.  I can start whenever I choose, if I choose.  The other option is to continue with what I've been doing (dietary changes/supplements) and give this a bit more time to work.  When I was in the hospital, I knew for sure I did not want to do chemo.  I have surprised myself by seriously considering starting again in the last 12 hours.  I feel that if I do chemo while the cancer is still small, I may have a better chance at getting it stabalized.  But in the same breath, I feel really good right now.  Maybe it's worth giving my current plan a few more months.  I know this is my decision, and there is no right or wrong answer.  So I've decided to be contimplative for the next week or so, and I'm hoping that at some point I'll know for sure what I'm supposed to do.  I continue to believe that God is the only one that really knows what has gone on in my body and the time frame of each occurrence, and He will give me wisdom for how to move forward.  So that covers the physical facts of where cancer is in my body to date.

Emotionally, we are sad.  We are frustrated, but not completely devastated.  Yes we had hoped for good news, and only good news.  But it's not the worst news.  Yes it's sad to be reminded that in some ways the cancer is growing and winning, but slowly.  Slowly means more time for me....more time to love my girls, love my husband and invest into all the people I love around me.  It was a reminder AGAIN that everyday of health is such a precious gift.  I'm carrying on, doing things I love (writing, teaching, reading, cooking) and carrying on with plans.  I was looking forward to speaking at a Women's event in November and these results will not change that.  I have lots to say right now to anyone who wants to listen, and it somehow gives this last year some validity - to think I could influence women to make good life/spiritual choices through the lessons I have learned.  Our hope remains in God, and in His ultimate plan for me and our family.  The results from yesterday don't change the plans He has for me.  Yes, I wonder why He has chosen another hard phase for me, but I will move forward in His love and by His grace.  Please don't be afraid to call, e-mail, text or talk to us.  We may be a bit sad over this round of news for a little while, but it is your love and support that helps us move forward.  Living normal life is what helps us cope.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!  It's always been one of my favourite holidays, usually because it was my first long weekend off since the school year started.  This year is so different.  It's a holiday of reminiscing.....a year ago I was at the beginning of my journey.  I sat around our Thanksgiving table wondering what the week would hold.  My biopsy surgery took place the week after Thanksgiving last year.  What a year!!  We have been through so much.  The "we" in this sentence is a lot of people.  I often forget that, although it is me at the centre, my journey has been travelled by so many, many have been affected, many have been changed.  The "we" that I have particularly thought about this weekend is our families.  In my mind, each family member plays an important role for me.  Darryl's family (his parents and sisters) are my cheering section.  They are full of encouragement constantly.  All of them remind me often that my words matter, and they spread my words to "their people".  There are clumps of people who pray for me and cheer me on (who I don't even know) because of them.  They also help out with anything I need help with:  jobs around the house, shopping, anything.  I know I can depend on them for anything.  They pray for me more than I know, they send messages, give gifts and make phone calls just when I need them.  My parents are the ones who check on me (often - thankfully).  My mom calls most days, and she can read my mood through my voice on the phone.  She knows the instant she sees me what kind of day it is based on my body language.  She comes over to spend time with me on weeks when I'm low, just because I need someone.   I'm still my dad's little girl in many ways - his heart breaks to see me sick, but he believes I will be well with no uncertainty.  He feels good when he knows I'm feeling good.  My parents also help with so many practical needs and would drop anything to be help me with whatever I need.  One of the relationships I am particularly thankful for this Thanksgiving is my brother.  A year ago we were not close.  Even though I only have one sibling, I think we would both agree, that we let life take us away from each other.  We were always at different stages in life (we are 5 years apart), so we let our different calls in life keep us busy and uninvolved in each others' lives.  Now he is not just a brother, he's one of my best friends and a part of my medical team.  He is a doctor, and his advice and opinions are invaluable to me.  He is the one who holds some of my deepest, darkest secrets that needed to be said, but never repeated (when I was in the hospital).  He is very involved in my life now, along with his family.  His wife is also one of my dearest friends who has been there for me countless times.  I am so thankful for this.  And then there's Darryl.  He is so intertwined in my life that he can practically say, "I have cervical cancer" and he's never even had a cervix!  I am the face to my cancer, but his struggle and fight are just as fierce as mine.  In fact, sometimes I feel like his has been harder.  I can talk about my fear of death, and my fear of becoming more sick.  He cannot talk to me about his fears of my death or his fear of watching me get sick.  He has to be strong for me all the time.  I cannot even find words to tell you how amazingly he has supported me through this past year.  We have both sat in waiting rooms wondering if the other would get through a huge surgery.  We have sat by each others hospital beds hand-in-hand crying tears of joy and tears of sorrow.  He has loved me through weight loss, hair loss (I did actually loose a lot of hair - I just had a lot to lose), emotional roller coasters, and countless Dr appointments.  And through all of it, he continues to tell me he loves me and that he loves that God chose me to be his wife.  We both agree that we would rather go through all of this together than through none of it apart from each other.  I often marvel at the fact that I am married to one of the best people in this world!  I am so blessed!!   He is also a huge part of this blog.  I've encouraged him to write, but he hasn't shown interest yet, but he is the editor.  Nothing gets published without him reading, rereading and polishing what I have written.  This Thanksgiving I have thought so much about how thankful I am for him.   Of course I am thankful for my girls.  They are what keep me normal - everyday.  Even on low days, when the girls come home, I feel normal again.  They bring joy to each day and they demand so much from me that they keep me feeling normal.  And then there are all my amazing friends that love me like a sister - you all know who you are.  You are also a part of my family, and you have carried me along this journey in different ways:  listening to me vent, encouraging me (with daily texts), crying with me, making me laugh and just being there for me.  You are the ones that make me feel normal when I'm with you, but I know you are there if/when I need to cry, or talk, or sort through my thoughts.  This Thanksgiving I'm thankful for all of these people that play different, but very important, roles in my life.  I value all of you more now than I did a year ago.  You are all precious gifts to me.

This week WE are facing another bump in the cancer journey:  it's scan week.  I wasn't going to publish this, but I feel like I have been brutally honest through this journey, and I refuse to pretend everything is ok when it's not.   Please don't ask me about my results if you see me.  I won't get them until the end of next week, and I will share them when I am ready to share them.  I will decide when that is.  This week life is stressful for all of the "we's" in my life.  We wonder what will be found and pray for what won't be found.  This time around I am trying so hard to just give it to God.  He will let whatever He wants show on those scan results.  I refuse to let cancer take away my joy, take away my peace, and take away my faith.  I will try my best to believe that the future is fiction and the results are just one piece in the puzzle of my life not the final say (whatever they show).  I will cling to the promise that God gets the final say.  1 Peter 4:8-11 "Keep a cool head.  Stay alert.  The devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping.  Keep your guard up.  You're not the only one plunged into these hard times.  It's the same with Christians all over the world.  So keep a firm grip on the faith.  The suffering won't last forever.  It won't be long before this generous God who has great plans for us in Christ - eternal and glorious plans they are! - will have you put together and on your feet for good. He gets the last word, yes He does!" (The Message)

Talking, Teaching, Tingling, and a Tribute

I have had a crazy couple of weeks.  First was my chance to speak.  Darryl had the opportunity to share our story a few months ago at a men's breakfast in our church.  Since then I've thought a lot about if that is something I would like to do, could do, and what would I say.  In some ways it feels like I have so much to say, too much to say; and yet so much as been said here with all of you.   Writing words is in my comfort zone - my release, but speaking is so different.  I met with my pastor on Friday.  He's more than a pastor; he's a great friend as well.  He visits/checks in with me every so often, so I thought it was one of those get togethers, which it was.  But after a great discussion about our upcoming Sunday service, we cooperatively decided it was a good Sunday for me to share some of my thoughts.  We did it interview style, and I basically shared my thoughts about the gains and losses of living and dying.  (Phillipians 1 was the scriptures we were studying).  It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, and one of the easiest at the same time.  The thought of going in front of hundreds of people to talk about dying seemed ridiculous in my head (and my pastor's), but in my heart it felt completely right and the words came easily.  I knew God had planned this for me, and the words came straight from Him and out my mouth.  I know my interview has spread like wildfire over Facebook.  Social media has changed our world.  I thought I was speaking in church on Sunday, now hundreds are listening to my voice who don't even know me.  I do pray that everyone who hears it is blessed by it in some way.  I'm fine with it being spread; it's just so interesting to me how communication works and has changed.  The only sad part was that my mom heard it on Facebook before I had even told her I had done it - sorry mom.

Another huge highlight for me is that I'm going to start teaching again!  I got the perfect job:  I'll teach one afternoon a month at Voyageur School.  Five years ago I was trained to be a Roots of Empathy facilitator.  Roots of Empathy is a program developed by Mary Gordon; it is structured around watching a baby,  from the community, grow over the course of a year.  The baby visits the classroom once a month and through observations and discussions, we talk about feelings and care for the baby.  This is transferred into deeper more caring relationships for the participating students.  It really is a fascinating program that I love teaching.  I am so excited to be able to do it.  The guidance counsellor at Voyageur School is a dear friend.  She called me a few weeks ago asking me to be a facilitator at her school because she needed to run one more program and had no one to do it.  She knows me well, and I think she's doing it more for my benefit then hers - thank you.  Furthermore, I'll be teaching with an amazing teacher, who has been one of my many supporters this year.  I'm so excited to be in her classroom.  I taught at Voyageur for 5 years, so it feels like going home.  The whole staff has embraced me with tons of support this year (notes, e-mails, meals, nights out).  So it's great to be back, even if in a small way.  I went in to do some planning this week; it felt so good to talk like a professional.  It's been so long, and I wasn't sure if it would all come back (I still feel like I have chemo brain somedays).  But once I started it came back to me right away.  Hopefully the same will happen when I'm actually in with the students.  We start our first lessons on Oct. 9.  I can't wait!

I continue to feel really good, but unfortunately my feet have gone numb/tingly.   We spent today trying to figure it out.  I was once again amazed at the care I receive.  I called my nurse this morning to tell her about my feet at 9 am.  By 10:30 I was at the hospital having blood drawn.  By 12:30 pm I was told all my blood levels were normal.  So, based on my symptoms or lack there of, we're pretty sure the new medication I'm on is causing it.  I'm trying another supplement to counteract the buzzing in my feet.  Hopefully it stops in the next few weeks.  I am so thankful for a team of doctors and nurses that know me well and get things done quickly to help me try to find peace of mind - which I rarely have, at least not completely.  But there are versions of it.

I can't end my writing today without mentioning Michael.  He is my cousin.  We were both diagnosed with cancer (at similar times), we were both told we were terminal.  We were not close in age (he was 10 years younger then me), we lived in different provinces, but through the few e-mails that we shared, we understood each other.  Michael was (and continues to be)  an inspiration to me and thousands of others - he made his journey on earth count.  He went to Heaven this week.  He was dearly treasured and will be dearly missed.  And yet we know that now he is in a place "that is better by far".  My prayers are with his family, who will feel a huge emptiness and loss for a long time.  I pray that the hole that is left in their life will be filled with peace.

My Whole Body Treatment Plan.

I felt like it was time to write this week, but I wasn't sure what to write about.  Usually I think about my words for a few days and then it flows easily.  But I felt a bit stuck.  Then as I thought about all that I've shared, it hit me that I've shared very little about my new treatment plan, and yet it is all consuming everyday.  So here it is.......

When the 3 big treatments don't work (chemo, radiation and surgery) you have a choice to make:  give up and let cancer take its course (and live out your doctor's prophesying words) or try something else.  When you start researching and looking into alternative treatments there are many to choose from.  So how do you choose?  You pray, you talk to people you trust and you go with what feels right for you.....and you have to believe in what you're doing if you want it to work.  And then you cling to HOPE.

Eat, Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert was a huge hit a few years ago.  Women all over read it and watched the movie, and may have even made some lifestyle changes based on the book.  Maybe what Gilbert didn't realize was that she was close to writing an alternative treatment plan for cancer.  My new treatment:  PRAY, EAT, BODY, MIND.  This is a treatment plan that focuses on healing, not on a cure.  I have to start with pray because I completely believe that my cancer journey has been more spiritual then anything else.  I believe it is a journey that God has taken me on.  So above all else, I always give my healing to Him and trust Him with it.  But I also believe God has given me the intelligence to research and figure out ways to help myself on the road to healing.

So my next step to healing is EAT.  I have drastically changed my eating habits over the past year.  I have learned a lot about how much food affects our health and the growth of cancer.  Cancer cells multiply much faster than normal cells, and they thrive on sugar.  So, I'm trying to starve my cancer cells;  I am on a completely sugar free diet.  This restricts me from a lot of food, since almost everything has sugar or turns into sugar in our bodies.  I eat mostly vegetables.  I'm learning to be creative, and I've done lots of experimenting with different recipes.  I also eat fish, chicken, nuts, and legumes for protein, and lots of healthy fats: butter, olive oil, coconut oil, avocado etc.  These fats are really good for me.  They actually inhibit the growth of cancer cells.  I do have 1 serving of fruit a day (in my morning smoothie), but that's it.  On top of my diet, I take about 30 vegetable-based supplements everyday.  A lot of these are designed to fight cancer, such as turmeric, and others are to boost my immune system, such as multivitamins and probiotics.  It is believed that if you boost your immunity, you give your body the chance to fight cancer.  I also drink pectin 3 times a day (it's terrible).  Pectin is proven to prevent cancer from metastasizing.  The tricky part is I can't take pectin with my supplements (I need an hour in between), so I take 7 rounds of meds a day.  This means I usually don't leave the house without a pill pack in my pocket.  I often try to plan appointments/get togethers around med times.  It's a crazy drug schedule, and I need one of those weekly pill planners to keep it all straight.  I also have a checklist on my fridge.  I've been doing it since February with a few additions after surgery.  It definitely is getting easier.   This supplement plan is a financial sacrifice for my family.  It costs a lot to take natural drugs, but thankfully Darryl says I'm worth it!!

There has been a lot of focus on my BODY over the last year from myself and my medical team.  What I'm learning is that maybe too much focus was on my cancer, instead of focusing on the rest of me to equip me to fight cancer.  So now I'm working hard at undoing the physical damage that chemo and mostly radiation caused.  Through this process, I'm learning to love my body and to listen to it better then I used to.  I used to get up at 5 am and exercise hard for 30-60 minutes, trying to shape my body into what I believed it should look like in order to fit into a new pair of jeans or to go bathing suit shopping.  Now I do strengthening exercises that will help my body enjoy life.  I use Pilates and yoga to help me stretch and gain flexibility, so I can play with my kids and overall feel better.   I have learned the importance of deep breaths to help my whole body relax.  Breath feeds our entire bodies with life-giving oxygen, but we don't think about it very much.  I'm learning that my exercise needs to have a social component, so I can focus on others and not just myself.  I walk with friends for my aerobic exercise because it's good for my physical body and good for me to connect with people.  I'm more in tune with how I feel and what my body needs instead of working out because it's on my to-do list. I now recognize my body as an intricate amazing instrument that has been through so much, recuperated, and still capable of fighting cancer if I fill it with what it needs and treat it well.  I think that God must have had so much fun designing our bodies.  The capabilities of the human body are amazing and so detailed.

Probably the most important component of my treatment is my MIND.  It's so much more powerful then we realize.  Being positive, believing you are healing,  helps just as much as the supplements and exercise (if not more).  I'm learning to love everything I do and cut out the things I don't.  This helps me keep my stress level in check.  I used to do more then I should and strive to be exceptional at everything I did to please everyone around me.  I cared so much about what everyone else thought about me that I didn't consider the stress it was creating.  I truly believe that my rushing around and constant striving is what allowed my immune system to break down and not fight cancer.  Now, I focus my mind on worship and good thoughts, so that I feel good.  I give my worries to God and truly leave them there, so I can live like I have nothing to fear.  I am learning the importance of filling my mind with inspiration and peace at the start of everyday.  I read my Bible and read books that inspire me.  I set goals for each day that are achievable and have just started to set goals beyond a month ahead.....this has been hard for me to do since surgery.  Keeping my mind in a good place is the hardest part of my treatment plan.  Negative thinking and feeling sorry for myself can be hard to tame.  I have to admit that the past 2 weeks have been incredibly hard, and some days my mind kept me in a pity party.  I missed being at school so much that other "issues" crept up and got the best of me.  Thanks to a few friends, my mom, and my counsellor who patiently helped me get out of this slump.  They checked in often and listened to my ramblings as my mind sorted through another round of confusion.  I needed to let God help me sort through the mess and then get everything lined up in my mind again.  I know it probably will happen again sooner, rather then later.  It's a constant battle......staying positive, trusting God completely, focusing on living instead of fearing death.  But it's completely possible.  "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength"  Phillipians 4:13

The best part of this new treatment plan is that it's unique for me, and it's about my whole body.  I really feel like you can't help one part of your body without looking at the whole.  I think we do an injustice to ourselves when we focus on one part and not the rest (I used to do this all the time with quick diets or intensive workout plans).  I think this treatment is being effective - I feel great.  It's time consuming, but forgiving when time slips away.   Why share it with all of you?  Because I have been told that I most likely had cancer 5-6 years before it was discovered.  1/3 of people are susceptible to developing cancer.  If someone had told me about all of this before, I may have been able to prevent it.  You don't need to go as extreme as me, just find your own version.  Now go have a green shake, walk with a friend, and give your mind a rest!  Do it for me!

Roller Coasters and Spiritual Contemplations

We just got home from a great few days in Minneapolis.  We had perfect weather.  Our biggest highlight was going to Valley Fair.  This year we did all the biggest and wildest rides as a family.  Our youngest daughter is officially tall enough to do all of them, and I was brave enough to do most of them.  My new outlook:  “After everything I’ve done this year a wild ride or two is nothing!”  We spent hours on The Extreme Swing, The Wild Thing, Steel Venom, and The Cork Screw.  So many thoughts went through my head as I was there.  First, “Thank you God that I am well enough to enjoy this day with my family”.  Second, “Cancer is a lot like a crazy roller coaster.”   Obviously there are lots of ups and downs.  But there are other similarities: sometimes it feels like a slow up hill battle, then suddenly it feels like you’re falling and completely out of control.  Most of the time I can’t wait for the ride to be over, but when I’m done I’m glad I did it.  I hope my cancer ride comes to an end soon, but I’m still struggling with being glad I went through it……I know some good has come out of it,  but a lot of bad has as well.   I'm not sure if I can come to a place where I am thankful that I got to go through it, especially if I'm never declared cured.  What good has come out?  This has been a question that I have been contemplating a lot lately.  Probably the biggest one is that cancer has forced me to slow down and live one day at a time.  I move slower; I do everything slower.   This is partially because I can’t move as fast (my pelvis feels like it’s 100 years old after all the radiation I’ve had), but also I am learning to stop rushing.  What’s the point?  I’m learning to be content with getting done what I can and leaving the rest until later.  I’m also learning that I need to give myself more time to do things.  Furthermore, I’m learning to have way more patience.  And I’m probably making Darryl more impatient because I take so long to do everything.  Being slower has allowed me to be a lot more reflective.  I think about why? as I move through each day questioning the reason/purpose behind everything I do.  Which leads to another contemplation that I’ve had lately, “why me?”  “why like this?”.  There is a part of me that knows it’s not really my right to ask why, but I still wonder why?  I know lots of you who read my blog don’t know God or believe/trust in Him like I do.  I also know lots of you have questioned how can I continue to trust God when He has not answered me the way I want Him to.  Well I have also wondered this lately.  I believe God loves me (and each of you) more then I can even understand.  I believe He’s completely in control of everything that goes on around all of us.  I believe He holds my future in His hands.  I believe He is all powerful, all knowing, that He created the whole earth and will escort me to heaven one day.  I believe God sent His son to earth to die for all of our sins.  I believe He died for my sins and has forgiven me for them.  I believe He died for everyone's sins, and He wants everyone to accept His grace and forgiveness (this is your ticket to heaven).  I believe that He allowed me to have cancer, so I would start this blog.  I believe He let me have cancer so I could develop more compassion for those who are suffering.  I believe He has put lots of people in my cancer path so they could see Him through me.  I believe that I will always have faith in Him to give me strength to do what He wants me to do.  But I still wonder why it has to be like this?  I wonder if He will ever let me know that I’m cured?  There is a part of me that can’t completely trust Him with my future because He has let me down (according to me).  He lets bad things happen to good people.  I think this is one of the biggest issues that christians and non christians have with understanding God.  Why does He let bad things happen to us?  Why does He sit and watch my girls watch their mom suffer?  Why does He not choose to cure me if He can?  I have no answers to these.  People try to explain it to me….but my heart does not completely understand.  I know that there are people who refuse to completely trust God with their life because of this one aspect that they can’t understand.  If there is anyone reading this who is in that situation, know that as christians we struggle with the same questions.  But at the same time, I do know that part of living for Him is not understanding, but still trusting.  The reality is that even though He has let this all happen to me; He has never abandoned me.  In fact, He has revealed himself to me time and time again and carried me through some very dark thoughts and situations.  So maybe He allows bad things to happen, so we can see Him and experience Him in bigger and more real ways.  He lets bad things happen, but He helps us through them.  The Bible tells us to REST and take REFUGE in God over and over again.  I’m learning that this means:   “Don’t analyze life.  Rest and trust me, I see the big picture that you don’t understand.”  So I carry on not knowing what my future holds, and knowing that it may have more bad news, but that He is in control.  I will trust Him.  I will believe in Him and continue to give my life to be used by Him.  I will believe that cancer is a part of becoming who He wants me to be.  Cancer is my road to serving Him in ways I would never have expected.  A wise friend recently contemplated with me, “Maybe you need to learn to be ok living with cancer instead of trying to get rid of it.”  This is a really hard concept for me, but I'm working on it.  All of this is hard to think about, but we all need to consider what we believe and in what we put our trust.   I guess really all of us our on the crazy ride called life.  I hope each of you are enjoying your ride for today .  I am! I am feeling so good, and enjoying each day to the fullest because I know I am being taken care of.


"God's way is perfect.  All the Lord's promises prove true.  He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection.  Psalm 18:30

17 years and 2 Perspectives

Yesterday Darryl and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary.  We had lots of fun.... a walk and dinner downtown, and a movie. We laughed and reminisced.  But there were some raw hard emotions lingering just beneath the surface for me all day.  Actually these emotions have been there all week.  Every other year when our anniversary came around, I felt so blessed; that my life was so much better then I ever planned for it to be.  Not this year.   This year I reflected on the past year, and wished I didn't have to live this life, that I could go back to my old life.  I'm tired of constantly wondering what is going on in my body and being paranoid with every slight change.  I'm tired of eating just vegetables and feeling paranoid if I eat anything else.  There is a part of me that wondered if it was the last anniversary I will ever celebrate.  Oh how I hope I get to celebrate another 17 years.   This past week, we were camping at Nutimik.  We had an amazing week.  Really great weather and a chance to catch up with all our "cottage friends" that we don't see throughout the summer.   I felt great all week and even forgot about being sick for an hour or two.   On the last 2 days of our week, I started thinking about the future, more than usual.  I would look at my girls and wonder if I will get to do this with them again next year.  Will there come a day when they are camping without me, and I will just be a memory?  It's crazy to think of yourself as just a memory.  I hope I have lots of years ahead of me.  But these thoughts have filled my head lately.  Which has forced me to think about where will I be when I'm just a memory on earth.  I am 100% sure that I will be in heaven.  I completely believe in life after death.  I believe heaven is amazing, and I will be happy to be there. But that's where my thoughts end because my life on earth is good and right now I want to stay.  I know that the Bible tells us to long for heaven and I understand this.....I long for complete healing and the guarantee of no more sickness, for complete peace, for all the greatness it has to offer.   I look forward to standing in the amazing presence of God.  I'm just not ready to leave my family, so for now I continue to plead that my life will be long here on earth.  I find it difficult when my head gets into these spaces - life gets confusing:  should I live like I'm dying or live like I'm going to live for a long time?  I get caught up in living so I'm ready to die:  saying sentimental things, sometimes being too bold, thinking through every thought and action.  Then I catch myself and remind myself to live like I'm cured and not think so much.  I feel as healthy as the old me; I just need my head to follow!  These 2 perspectives wrestle for my attention all the time.   I'm never sure which perspective is better.  Maybe having both is a good thing?  Probably part of the reason why these thoughts have been so prominent lately is due to my last dr apt.; it was a week and a half ago.  The apt went well.  My dr says my recovery is incredible.  I look good, I feel good.  But during these apts there is an assumption that my life will end due to cancer.  Time frames have not been given, but I know my doctors would probably say in the next few years for sure.  I left my dr apt informing everyone that I still had a lot to accomplish.  My dr smiled at me and said, "I'm sure you will."  So I'm hoping that writing about fearing the future will help get the thoughts out of my head and help me move on to LIVING.  I hope that getting back into my physio routine, back to training Jett, back to regular life will help.  But this is part of my problem.  My regular life no longer exists.  I am so afraid of September.  This will be the first September in years that I'm not setting up a classroom and preparing for my students.  (I cry every time I read this sentence.)   My medical team has recommended I not go back to the classroom this coming year.  I know my body and mind are not ready (especially my mind), but what will I do when the girls go back to school?  I've started thinking a lot about what I will do.  I'm working hard at viewing this time as a year of unknown opportunities.  Maybe I'll write a book (always been a dream of mine), or maybe I'll volunteer, maybe I'll advocate for HPV vaccinations/testing, maybe I'll start training my body so it's stronger than ever.  One thing I refuse to do is sit around and be sick and spend too much time thinking about cancer.  Right now I have no cancer symptoms.....no signs that I even have cancer (Maybe I'm cured!!)  I've decided no chemo, until I have symptoms.  So I hope I do get a year of opportunities and not sickness.  I pray everyday for opportunities and Darryl keeps telling me everyday, "Maybe it will be the best year of your life!"  I hope/pray he is right, because I've almost completed the worst year.  I hope God has big plans for me.  I hope He uses me to change others, I hope he uses me to make a difference, I hope he uses me for many years. I hope i get to do something amazing because I still have so much to contribute!

I've had a few of our readers ask for a picture who have never met me.  Here is one of Darryl and I taken in June, just a few days before my surgery.  17 years and we're still smiling!

Doggy Distractions

We have had a great few weeks.  We've enjoyed our friend's pool.  I've gone for lots of walks and visited with friends in the backyard.  I've even gone for a weekend of camping and a weekend at our friends' cabin.   I'm feeling really well.  My incision has healed almost completely.   My pain is almost all gone.  I have my 6 week post-op check up this week.  I dread it.  My doctors are great, but they treat me like my life is ending; which is really hard mentally.  It is a mental game every single day for me.  I wake up every morning and think, "I have terminal cancer, how can this be?"  Then I spend the next half hour or so, psyching myself up to face my day.  I start with prayer to help me remember that God is always with me and His presence surrounds me at all times.  I spend some time reading my Bible and focusing on promises written in it.  Then I do lots of self talk, "I'm feeling great."  "I have today as a gift, so I need to make the most of it." When I put my feet on the floor, I feel like the hardest part of my day is behind me and I'm ready to face the day.  The more I can do, the more I do, the more people I see, the more normal I feel.  And the more other people see me as me, the same Melanie I've always been, maybe even a bit better.....more relaxed, more patient, more in tune with details, less concerned about the small stuff, the more normal people are treating me.   The fact that I feel better and better everyday is such an amazing gift to me and my family.  The better I feel, the easier it is to face each day and not feel like I have bad news lurking around each corner.

Last post, I told you about the summer list we made.  Well it has not been looked at for the past 2 weeks.  Why?  Because we fulfilled the one thing on the list that really mattered to our girls:  we got a puppy.  His name is Jett, and he has been a huge blessing to all of us.  He so cuddly and fun.  He's also a lot of work, so we've been busy training.  As a result, for the past 13 days my girls have not thought about cancer.  They've been consumed with feeding, walking, and bathroom schedules.  I think it's also been good for all of us to be taking care of something, instead of being taken care of by others.   Darryl deserves a medal for best dad of the year.  He is NOT a dog person.  He did not want a dog at all.  But he gave in and gave his girls the gift of joy.  And he has not left it at that; he helps take care of Jett all the time.  He walks him, cleans up poop, feeds him and gets up early on the weekends so the girls can sleep in.    It is the most sacrificial gift Darryl has ever given, and he hasn't complained too much.  I think he's even starting to like Jett.  I'm looking forward to having a companion when the girls go back to school, which will be incredibly hard for me.  I have to brag a little about my new puppy.  He's so cute!  He's a yorkie bichon.  He loves to cuddle.  Loves to go for walks.  He's pretty laid back most of the time, but definitely likes to play.  He's sleeping through the night, and is doing pretty good with accidents in the house (there's been a few, but all in a two day stretch).  I love to watch my girls with him.  They love him so much, and he is comforting to them.  He loves them unconditionally.  It's what they have needed after all they have had to live through this year.

So in general, life is pretty good for us.  We're enjoying our summer.  Thank you for all the warm wishes and encouragment!

Terminal and Recovering

What to write?  This is a question that has been on my mind for a few days.  I know many of you are waiting to hear how things are going, but I'm not sure where to begin.  I guess with surgery day.....
We all continue to be shocked at the outcome.  We felt there were so many pieces put into place to prepare me for surgery; we were certain it would be a go.  I still wake up every morning and have to convince myself that it didn't happen.  Even though the "big surgery" didn't happen, surgery did happen.  My little surgery was more invasive then we thought.....all of my lymph nodes were removed, which took lots of cutting and digging on both sides of my abdomen.  My incision is about 8 inches long and runs vertical, so muscles were affected.  As well, some extra parts were removed with my lymph nodes as it was easier to take more then less.  So I have a 6 week recovery time.  I have lots of restrictions:  no lifting, no laundry, no vacuuming/ sweeping, limited walking and the list goes on.  Swelling has gone down significantly, but is not gone completely (I look like I'm 4 months pregnant now instead of 6 months LOL).  I had the last of my 35 staples removed on Monday and my incision is healing really well.....no infection is a huge relief!  After all the radiation that I've had, there was a high risk of my skin not healing as quickly, but it's actually healed quicker then expected.   By 6 weeks (end of July) my doctors expect that I will be 90% back to pre-surgery mobility.  I can't wait.  There are so many things to do now in summer.  So even though I didn't have THE surgery, I still had a pretty big surgery.  But overall recovery is going fairly well.  I have constant pain, but it's pretty manageable and improving everyday.

Now for the cancer update....Yes I am considered a "terminal cancer patient" at this point.  According to my doctors there is no cure.  They told me to go home an build a legacy.  Of course this was difficult to hear, but I honestly haven't dwelled on it that much.  I currently have no cancer symptoms.  And the reality is that all of us are terminal.  None of us has any idea when/how our life will end.  The only thing we know for sure is that someday it will end. (And I know that when mine ends, I will go to heaven.)  So really at this point, I'm the same as everyone else.  As far as I know, the cancer has not metastasized, and it is not causing me any pain or harmful physical side effects.   The only option of treatment that the doctors offered me was chemo, which will not cure the cancer but may stabilize it for an undetermined amount of time.  Unfortunately the statistics are not that great that the chemo can even stabilize it.  I felt so sick on chemo, so I've decided to enjoy my summer and will reconsider starting chemo in the fall.  My doctors thought this was a really good idea, since I have no symptoms at this time.   In fact, my doctors have really encouraged me to enjoy my life to the fullest as long as I can and to focus on the quality of my life to make medical decisions.  Chemo does not bring any enjoyment to my life, so for now it's not the right option.  We have decided to do some alternative treatments in the mean time.  I'm taking a variety of natural supplements, I've adapted my diet, and I'm taking a brand new prescription drug just recently tested to attack cancer cells.  The goal of this alternative plan is to feel great and to possibly stop the growth of the cancer as well.    I have a natural practitioner who I trust and is helping me with these decisions.   He is working together with my oncologists (which is rare), and I'm so thankful for my entire medical team.   They continue to go above and beyond their calls of duty in looking after me and my health.

We are learning as a family to set short term goals and focus on them.  Our goal right now, is to have a really great summer together.  The girls and I have made a list of all the things we want to do this summer and that's what we focus on.  They are doing very well.  They are often confused by peoples' reactions toward us.....friends are sad for us (understandably) and tend to feel sorry for us (again understandably).  But the girls see me as normal....yes recovering from surgery, but otherwise their mom, not a cancer victim.   Things feel pretty normal to them.   We know many people don't know what to say to us or give us "that look" when they do see us, but we want everyone to know we have not changed.  We are still us, and we are still living and well.   We are doing our best to keep living well and to enjoy life to the fullest.  We laugh, we have fun, we still do everyday normal things like clean our rooms, make meals, and do dishes.  But we are also learning to do at least one really fun thing everyday, to have important conversations everyday, and to bring joy to each other and people around us everyday.  Don't get me wrong...there are hard moments, and there are times when we sit and cry together.  But we try to let our minds only visit those hard thoughts for short times, and to not  take residence there.  I remind myself when I'm sad about leaving this life too soon, that I don't have time to wast feeling sorry for myself;  I need to enjoy my life in the present because I can!

Where does God fit into all of this?  We have wondered this some days in the past few weeks.  Initially we felt He had left us and forgotten us.  But with time, we feel more and more certain that not having surgery was exactly what His plan was.  He saved me from a terrible body transforming, hard recovery.  And somehow I can't help but continue to feel like He has some amazing plan for us in all of this.  I do think He's impacting a lot of people, even ones we don't know through this story.  There is a part of me that can't wait to see what comes next.  Above all, I continue to believe that He knows my body better then anyone.  He knows every intricate detail, and He controls all of it.  He gets the final say in if the cancer grows or spreads or disappears.  We continue to believe that He is the only cure for me, but He gets to decide if He cures me or not.   We can't understand why He hasn't so far, but we accept it because we believe, "He works all things for good to those who love Him."  (Phillipians 1:6) And yes we continue to praise Him and declare Him Lord over us and over all things, even when life is hard.   When life is hard, we need Him more then ever to give us the strength to carry on.  We continue to rely on His promises: "Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God, I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"  Isaiah 41:10

So ....."As for me and my house we will serve the Lord" even when life is hard.

Surgery Update

This is Melanie's brother, Jeff.  As many of you know, today was Melanie's big O.R. day.  Unfortunately, the doctors found cancer in one of her lymph nodes.  Because of this finding, the doctors felt they could not adequately remove Melanie's cancer and the rest of the operation was not performed.  This possibility was discussed with Melanie and her family prior to surgery, but still came as a huge surprise.  Please continue to pray for our family as we deal with this unexpected step in Melanie's journey.

A Week Away

It's hard to believe I'm a week away from surgery.  I've waited for 33 days and only have 7 left since the day I found out surgery was necessary.  I have spent these last 33 days preparing:  spiritually, mentally and physically.

 To prepare spiritually, I have spent time reading my Bible and focusing on the promises laid out for us in it.  A good friend of mine gave me a jar filled with little pieces of paper.  Each paper has a promise from the Bible on it.  This jar has become my strength.  There are many days when I have needed at least a handful to carry on.  When I start to feel afraid or overwhelmed I remind myself of these promises:  He will always be with me, He will always love me, He's got the whole world in His hands, He goes before me, He has written my days for me before they even happen, He created me and knows me, and so many more.  God has shown us that He is preparing the details of June 18.  He's brought amazing medical people onto my team in miraculous ways.  He's brought friends and family around us to pray with us and uphold us just when we needed it.  We feel like He is completely in control of this whole ordeal, which brings peace to me and my family.

To prepare mentally, I've tried to learn as much as I can about ways my life will be different after surgery.  I've done reading and research to help prepare me.  It's been a long process of considering and starting to accept the changes that will happen to my body through this surgery and keeping in mind that these changes are what I want.  These changes mean a longer life to see my girls grow up.   One huge blessing that I have been given through this process is a mentor who went through this exact surgery, under the same circumstances 30 years ago.  She is a ray of hope for me; she lives a completely normal life and has had very few complications.  She encourages me and makes me really feel like I can do this!

I've also spent a lot of hours preparing physically.  I walk for an hour to an hour and a half at least 4 times each week.  I do a core exercise routine every day, and I go for physio 3 times a week.  I consider each bite of food that I take in, and continue to take supplements to help my immune system.  I feel like I'm physically strong and ready.

I am really tired of waiting and very glad that surgery date is almost here.  I go into the hospital on Monday and have 2 days of prep.  We anticipate that I will be in the hospital up to 4 weeks.  The first  week or so will be difficult.  I will be in a lot of pain and on lots of drugs.  I will also have a lot to learn and adapt to.  During this time, we will be restricting visitations to just family.  Both my family and Darryl's family will be taking good care of me during this time.  My brother and his wife have kindly agreed to keep the blog updated while I'm in the hospital.  They will keep all of you  up-to-date on how surgery went and how I am progressing.   E-mails, texts, etc are still welcome and a great way to be in touch.

We again have so many people to thank......I won't start to mention names, but you all know who you are.  We have been given so much to help make this next stage of our journey a bit easier:  parking passes,  hotel nights (for Darryl), meals for Darryl, so many taking care of our girls, family staying overnight with me in the hospital and the list goes on.

It's an interesting place to be....knowing you're life is going to change in a week in fairly big ways.  Either my body will be changed forever or I will wake up to the realization that my cancer is incurable.  Right now I feel optimistic that surgery will be a go.  But this changes from day to day and moment to moment.  The only thing I am sure of consistently is that God has allowed this and will somehow carry me through it.  Knowing this allows for nights of sleep, days of normalcy, joyful moments, and an unexplainable peace.

Disapointing Results

Shortly after writing my last post on Friday, I got the call.  Unfortunately it was not the news we had hoped for.  I do have persistent cancer.  I am scheduled to have surgery on June 18.   We're sad for the life changes that this surgery will include, but we are hopeful that it will result in a cure for me.   If the cancer has traveled to my lymph nodes, surgery will be cancelled and no cure will be possible.  The reality of this affecting my life expectancy is hitting hard, and we're all grieving right now.  By all it's not just me, Darryl and the girls, it's our parents, siblings, and friends.  I meet with my doctors on Tuesday to go over details of my surgery.   There will be lots of doctor's appointments in the next few weeks in preparation for surgery.  However, there will be no more testing.  My lymph nodes will be tested on my surgery day.  So I will be put to sleep and wake up not knowing what happened or didn't happen.  We are holding on to the hope that the surgery will go ahead on June 18, and I will finally be cancer free.  My recovery will be long and difficult, but I know I can do it.   I can do it because the other option is worse.  Please continue to pray for us.  Pray that my lymph nodes will be clear and the surgery will go as expected.  Pray that we will be able to stay strong over the next weeks as we wait for the surgery and stay hopeful.  We continue to hold onto our faith in God.  We believe He could heal me in a heartbeat, and we question why He has chosen not to.  But we also continue to trust that He has the final say, and He "works all things for good to those who love Him".   He has continued to give us peace even though we are living in the midst of a nightmare.  He gives us hope that He will continue to hold us in His hand and give us what we need to face each day of the crazy journey that we are on.  He has provided an incredible network of loving people around us, who are helping us cope.

We may continue to blog on occasion, but there will likely be no new news until after surgery.  Right now my focus has to be on my family and on preparing mentally, physically, and spiritually for this surgery.  So new posts may be scarce.  Thank you for following so far.  We hope we will post good news at the end of June. 

Still Waiting

We are still waiting for my biopsy results.  I know lots of people have been checking the blog to find out what's going on.  Our silence is not bad news, we just don't know anything more yet.  We were supposed to receive them a week ago.  We found out yesterday there was a back log in pathology and my samples only got looked at this week.  They are currently being examined carefully (extra testing is required because it's radiated samples, which makes things more tricky).  We most likely will not get the results until next week sometime.

Thank you to everyone who is praying for us.  We know hundreds of you are praying, and we feel it.  We have this unexplainable peace as a whole family.  We know God is taking care of us and has the final say on these results.  We completely believe that whatever the results are, He will carry us through whatever we need to do next.  Please keep praying!  Pray for healing, calmness and PATIENCE.

I have filled my waiting time with painting....The only good part of having so much waiting time is that I've painted all the trim in my house (only 2 bedrooms left).  I feel really good and am able to be busy, which helps me get through each day.  Today I'm preparing for a garage sale tomorrow.  So my life looks and feels pretty normal, except every time the phone rings my heart starts racing. 

We will post news when we get it. 

Finally some results

I usually sit and post my thoughts on a post without any hesitation, but not today.  I'm struggling with what to say.  Most often my entries are filled with hope, and I always try to write when I'm feeling positive and courageous.  This is not the case today.  Today we are sad and struggling.  But we've chosen to remain honest and truthful with all of our readers.  So here it is..... I finally had my 12 week post treatment check up.  I also got my PET scan results.  I did not get the results I had hoped.  The PET scan shows that there may still be cancer cells in my cervix as well as a spot outside my cervix and possibly in my lymph nodes.  This is very disappointing.  What is even more disappointing is the treatment plan that was laid out for me:  if there is persistent cancer in my cervix, I have to have a surgery that would remove all organs from my pelvis, this would include my bladder, rectum and others.  I do not qualify for a hysterectomy post radiation treatment; it's an all or nothing deal.   If there is cancer in my lymph nodes there is no treatment for a cure, and I will have to go for regular chemo for the rest of my life to achieve some form of stability.  The only hope I was given today is that the PET scan can have false positives.  My oncologist did an internal exam of me today and thought this could possibly be the case for my situation.  He thought my cervix looked and felt cancer free.  So he took several biopsies and will send them away to be tested.  If they come back cancer free, I will wait another month and have another PET scan.  He did tell me that there is a possibility that I am currently cancer free, and the PET scan just picked up cells that had been damaged by radiation.  If the cells show that I continue to have cancer, details for surgery or chemo will be laid out for me at that time.

I know many of you don't believe in God.  I know some of you aren't sure, and others do believe and have been praying for us.  I continue to believe in Him, and I continue to believe He could heal me in an instant if He chose to.  I also believe He has allowed me to walk this cancer journey to transform me in so many ways.  If you have any belief and maybe even if you don't, we're begging for you to pray with us for healing.  Pray that the tests will come back cancer free.  Pray that I can avoid surgery and carry on with my life.  Most importantly,  pray that we (as a family) will have the strength and peace to take each day as it comes and trust in God to take care of us.  He is all knowing, all powerful and He's bigger than all of this.

We did feel an incredible peace today, even among the bad news.  We could feel God holding us and helping us carry on.  Each day will be a challenge in the next few weeks as we wait for results AGAIN!

PET Scan done.....more waiting

Life has been very busy for the past few weeks.  We managed to have a few weekend get aways.  I have also been decorating our oldest daughter's bedroom....painting, printing pictures, putting together furniture etc.  I'm keeping myself as busy as I can.  I'm finding that the waiting to find out if treatments worked has been harder in the past 2 weeks then the previous 9 weeks.  Now I'm down to a week and a bit until I get the big reveal.  Last week I had a PET scan.  They scanned my entire body for any signs of cancer.  It was a long drawn out series of scans....I lay on a narrow hard bed,  inside a tube, with my hands above my head for an hour.  As I lay in the scanner, I couldn't help but be curious as to what the techs were seeing.  It was like all the secrets about the inside of me were being revealed only a few feet away behind a glass window, and I just had to lay there and wait two more weeks to get the results!

I'm feeling really good.  My energy is almost back to normal.  I don't have all my strength back, but I'm close.  So I have to believe that my results will be good.  I find it so hard to believe that I'm not completely healthy because I feel healthier now then I have for at least 8 months.  I do have to admit, I'm really afraid of having to feel sick again.  I know I will probably end up having surgery and going back to a healing state and being hospitalized makes me feel like I'm going back to prison to serve a second sentence.  I have to keep reminding myself the hospital is where I go to get healthy.  I need to focus on all the good that goes on there.  I am also afraid of being told I need more rounds of chemo.  Oh how I hate the side effects of chemo:  not being able to think clearly, nausea, tiredness, restlessness etc.  But I have to remind myself of all I have accomplished already:  5 rounds of chemo, 25 radiation treatments, 3 HDR treatments, and I had them all happening at the same time.  And here I am feeling great.  If I have conquered all of this, I can do anything they throw at me next week.

We have put our life somewhat on hold.  We have no idea what to expect over the next few months and have planned nothing beyond my next doctor's appointment.  I am really looking forward to getting on with life and getting rid of cancer.  This morning (unlike many others lately) I woke up so tired of cancer.   Thankfully  my physio (who is also like a counselor for me) told me to think about all the ways cancer has improved me as a person:  inner strength (I do feel like I can do almost anything), better perspective in all areas of my life, a new/better understanding of who God is and what He can accomplish in me, the confirmation that I married the right person,  an improved appreciation for the simple things in life, a realization of great supportive family and friends,  and the list goes on.  It's hard to remember these things when I'm on the brink of more treatment.  But today I took the time to make a list.  Now I have something to look back at on the hard days.

I often forget to give updates on Darryl because it seems as if he never had any medical issues.  He's doing so well.  Today he met with his neuro ophthalmologist.  His vision is better than pre-surgery!!  We are so amazed and thankful for this.  He has no double vision at all.  His headaches have become less frequent as well.  He went for almost 3 weeks without having one.  He had one a few days ago, but it wasn't as painful as they used to be.  He's almost completely healed.  We are so incredibly thankful for this.  No more waiting or wondering with him - the best part of all.

The Future is Fiction

I have done lots of reading in the past few months, and I'm sorry that I can't remember where I read this statement: "the future is fiction" because it has dramatically affected my thought process.  It really is profound...and true.  Nothing we plan for, hope for, or prepare for will necessarily happen.  Just like nothing we worry about and stress about will necessarily happen.   Nothing besides the present is for sure.  So how does this affect your present situation?   I have spent so many hours wishing my present state away and hoping for or dreading the future.  So in the past few weeks I've tried really hard to be happy for the moment, to make the most of the moment and to reflect on all the blessings I have in a given moment.   Tomorrow I turn 38 years old.  Birthdays are a time when we think in years....reflecting on this past year, many months have been filled with what I did not expect, was not prepared for, and certainly did not hope for.  It makes me wonder what will happen in this next year of my life?  Wondering is ok, but worrying is not.  I've learned that worrying accomplishes only one thing:  to bring down my spirits.   Worrying does not change an outcome, it does not heal, it does not make me feel better, it does not have a single positive result.   So this year, starting on my birthday, I'm going to anticipate the unexpected and wait for it with a sense of hope and wonder, but not worry.   I also know I will fail and fall into worry many times; however, each time I do I'm going to remind myself:  the future is fiction....I have very little control over it (especially that unexpected bad news).  Then I'm going to give it to God and trust Him with it, so I can enjoy the present more then I ever have before. 

This all comes after a week filled with days of constant worrying.  I had my first follow up doctor's appointment this past Thursday.   I was dreading walking into the hospital, and I was extremely anxious about getting bad news.  On Monday these thoughts of dread and anxiety completely controlled me.  I spent most of my day crying, every song I heard on the radio made me cry, commercials on TV made me cry and everything anyone said to me somehow reminded me that I have cancer and I'm tired of it, so I cried.  On Tuesday I started feeling a bit better....there were less tears but the anxious thoughts were still there.  On Tuesday night, I had some friends get me back on track.  They reminded me I have so much to be thankful for right now:  I'm turning 38, I have amazing friends, I'm loved, I made it through treatments: I'm a conqueror.  Wednesday I reminded myself that I don't control the future and that whatever I found out at my appointment will be what it will be and it will be what God intends. 
I was able to walk in to my appointment on Thursday calm and ready.  Thankfully the news was good, in fact it was great.  My doctor didn't do a formal cancer check (I have to wait for April for that), but he checked me over.  He was thrilled with my recovery so far.  He told me he was very pleased with how well and how quickly I've "bounced back" from treatments.  So all my worry was for nothing.  Darryl and I walked out of the hospital hand in hand and realized it was the first time since I was diagnosed that we got to walk out smiling and feeling good about what we had just heard.  It was a foreign feeling to us, but a great one.  When I got home I realized, I  had wasted 2 days of my life worrying.....I don't want that to happen again.  I know anxious thoughts for my April scan and appointments are just around the corner waiting to attack.  I will try my best to stand up to them and not let them get control of me.  

I have had a lot of amazing birthday celebrations already this week planned by my family, friends, and my students.  All of them made me feel so celebrated.  And I have learned birthdays are worth celebrating....every single one of them, not just the "big ones" because every year is another chance to make your mark.  So hello 38!  I'm looking forward to 39!

Ready or Not Here comes Rehab

So the past 2 weeks have been busy.  I have spent a lot of time and energy getting better and doing things I dreamed of doing when I was sick.  I am officially on a rehab program to help me build strength and stamina.  I walk for 15 minutes each day.  I have several strengthening exercises and stretches that I do each day.  Darryl got me started on all of this, but this week, I decided to go see another physio.  I've decided to let Darryl be my husband, and my physio be my physio.  It was a good decision; I'm a more pleasant patient for someone else.  My new physiotherapist completely understands me (she is a cancer survivor); she gives me just enough to work on, and is so encouraging.  I started seeing a counselor at Cancer Care as well this week.  It's good for me to talk to someone who is distant from my situation. It's good to reflect with her and keep the unknowns of the future in perspective.  I've gone back to drinking my green shakes every morning and can take my time to make nutritional meals.  So I'm pretty busy everyday taking care of myself.  It is paying off.  My energy has improved a lot over the past 2 weeks.  More energy means I can do some of the things I have missed.  First, I visited my classroom this week.  It was so exciting!!!  It felt so good walking into my classroom.  The students were surprised and so happy to see me.  They made me feel like a celebrity.  One of my students said, "I'm so happy to see you, I think I could cry."  This made me want to cry.  I got to talk with my students and read them a story.  It felt so great.  At the same time, it was bitter sweet.  I walked out wishing I could stay, but knowing I'm not ready.  I really can't wait to be back in my classroom full time.

I also got to go on a date with Darryl this week.  We went out for dinner and to the Jets game.  It was wonderful.  Dinner was nice and the Jets game was fun!  It was so great to be us, enjoying each other's company without feeling sick.  And the Jets won!

I've also been doing some writing, which I do love and is an important part of who I am.  I used to do a lot of writing for work.  Now I'm writing about this crazy life we've been living.  I was asked to write a piece for our church website telling what we've been through.  It was good therapy for me.....I cried and typed at the same time.  It's amazing how reflecting is already powerful.  Some days I'm still shocked that we've lived through everything we have in the past few months.  I'm still learning a lot about who I am and what is important to me as I am processing all of this.