Officially Done

I am finally officially done my treatment schedule.  I had my last internal radiation treatment on Monday.  I've been more sick this time then the past 2.  But I am slowly starting to feel better.  I feel a huge amount of relief being done.  It's a lot like finishing a long hard school year.....I'm glad to be done, I feel proud for making it through, and I'm exhausted.  I'm giving myself some time to sleep, rest, and heal.  But I do know that I eventually need to get into a routine (mostly for my daughters' sakes).  I'm making plans for going grocery shopping, going to my youngest daughter's assembly next week, and my older daughter's music concert.  I do find that I need to pace myself.  It's really frustrating that I get tired so easily, but then I remind myself I did just have a major treatment 2 days ago and 6 weeks of daily treatments prior to that.  So I need to give myself time, and I need patience.  I really can't wait to feel good, and I'm hopeful that it will be soon.  I've taken myself off of all prescribed medication.  This is really exciting for me. I've taken so much medication over the past 3 months.  And believe me, everyone of them has some negative side effect.  I still take ginger Gravol a couple of times a day to manage my nausea, but I'm getting close to being med-free. I did manage to get out of the house a few times over the past weekend.  It's funny when I run into people who know me and haven't seen me through treatments (which is most people I know).  Everyone is surprised that I look a lot like I did before I started treatments.  I didn't lose any hair (I was very lucky), and I lost quite a bit of weight, but all over.  So I don't look that different.  I have been told so many times, "You look good" in the past week.  It does make me feel good and thankful.  I think I often look better then I feel, but it's been good for my family that I look like me.  I am not a visual reminder of cancer for them.

Darryl's vision has improved so much in the past week.  He is learning to adjust his eyes and head position so that his sight is more clear and his double vision is slowly decreasing!  He is easing back to work and his regular schedule.  He needs a bit more rest then he used to, but he is getting back to his pre-surgery life.

We do feel like we are turning a corner as a family.  We're in recovery mode and working at getting our lives back and being independent.  We are thankful that God has brought us to this place.  He is healing our bodies and giving us hope that our "crisis" is coming to an end.  We know that my future is uncertain and further treatments may be required.  But we are going to try our best to enjoy these next few months.  My next doctors appointment is at the end of March - to make sure I'm recovering.  Then at the end of April - to determine my progress and further treatment requirements.  We've decided to put these appointments out of mind for now and just focus on feeling better and making sure our girls are happy and feeling secure.

Thank you for following our journey with us.  Thank you for supporting us and carrying us through!  There are hundreds of people who have helped us get to this point.

"Oh taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who trusts in Him!"  Psalm 34:8

Almost Done

I have to admit, I have not been able to write for a while.  Why?  You may ask.  For lots of different reasons....mostly because emotionally it has continued to be up and down.  Some days I feel so many different emotions my head spins and I feel like I can't write.
I am almost done my treatments.  I have finished my daily visits to the hospital for external radiation. Today is my first weekday at home in 6 weeks!!!  I thought finishing would be more joyful then it has been.  I think if I was guaranteed to be cancer-free at the end of all the treatments it would be different.  However there are no guarantees in this crazy game of cancer.  In fact, I learned last Thursday that my tumor has not shrunk as much as my doctors had hoped it would have by now.  So this news really sucked the joy out of finishing.  I do have a type of cancer that is hard to dissolve I've been told.  So, I need to finish treatments and give my body a chance to fight it before any further treatments or decisions are made.  I do expect to need surgery at the end of this based on the results I have received over the past week.  My oncologists will wait 12 weeks after my last treatment (Jan.27) to test me and see where things are at.  So no surgery until May at the earliest.  It's really hard mentally to think about living 12 weeks with cancer in me, wondering what is happening.  My medical team tells me to live life as normally as I can over the next 12 weeks.  You would think this would make me happy; however, I have to admit I'm a little afraid of normal.  I don't even remember what it feels like to be normal.  I sometimes wonder will I remember when I get there?  Will I get there?  I have been so weak and sick for the past 5 weeks that I have been at the hospital or at home.  So the thought of venturing out is overwhelming.  I know I also need to work on getting this broken body back to feeling whole again....another huge feat.  I need to start exercising and eating food other then crackers and toast.  The good news is my nausea is getting better.  Hopefully by next week, I will be off all anti-nausea meds and able to eat a variety of foods.   I do have 1 more internal radiation treatment left next Monday.  These treatments are brutal.  So until it's officially over, I live with the anxiety of having 1 more.  It's a really long procedure....up to 3 hours.  Luckily, I'm put to sleep and given medication that causes amnesia.  So I don't remember most of the treatment, but I'm really sick after.  I'm tired, shaky, and achy all over.  I feel like I have a bad flu.  The good news is, I usually recover within 24 hours.  Also I don't have a lot of side effects from this treatment.  So as of Jan. 28, I'm on my way to recovery.  My doctors did say that I can count this week as my first recovery week.  I am feeling significantly better.  In fact well enough that we're trying to live without our moms!  Our parents have been life savers!  For the past several weeks our moms have taken turns staying with us Monday to Friday.  They have been our built in nannies, house cleaners, cooks etc.  They have done everything!  And now we're going to try it on our own!  I'm a little afraid of living without them.  But this is part of the process of moving on.

Darryl is still home from work.  His recovery is going well.  His scar has healed so well.  His eye is learning to track and work with his good eye.  He still has double vision which is frustrating.  He really pushes himself to have both eyes open most of the day.  His doctors have explained his healing process as training....he needs to undo how his eyes and brain worked together for the last 38 years and reprogram them to work together.  So he needs to use his eyes together as much as possible.  He does wear a patch over his surgery eye when he's driving or if he gets a headache.  He's started seeing patients at home (we have a physio clinic in the basement).  It's been great for him to get back into real life.  

I have also been spiritually challenged over the past few weeks.  I have completely given this journey to God. I believe with all of my heart that He has control over every cell in my body.  But so far, I have not gotten good news.  And yet, I feel like I have felt the presence of God more then ever before in my life.  I feel like He is carrying me and changing me.  He has given me strength to make it though treatments.  He has taught me patience and compassion for others.  He continues to give me peace - even on days when I get bad news, He's got me.  He gets the last say.  And this helps me carry on. I am learning to rely completely on Him.

Home and Healing

We are happy to report that Darryl continues to be healing extremely well.  He came home from the hospital 24 hours after brain surgery.  The doctors have been so positive - feeling like his surgery could not have gone any better then it did.  His bruising and swelling has also healed very well.  Yesterday he had his stitches removed and his scar is remarkably small considering they cut a hole in his skull and removed a tumor through it!  His vision is blurred, and he has double vision right now.  This is expected.  The muscles surrounding his tumor were stretched and need to be strengthened.  We are hopeful that his vision will correct itself in the next few weeks.  He's up and about most of the day and sleeping quite well at night.  I'm pretty sure he'll be bored of being at home before he's ready to go back to work.  We are extremely thankful that the surgery is behind us and he is on his way to being healthy soon.  We thank God for taking such good care of Darryl and helping all the details come together.  We consider it a gift that he was able to come home so quickly.  The girls were able to return to school knowing Dad was at home doing well, instead of worrying about him in the hospital.  I didn't have to go to the hospital on my days off to visit him, which I was dreading.  We feel we are being taken care of in many ways right now thanks to so many lifting up prayers on our behalf.

I've had a few "lasts" this week - my last round of blood tests on Monday and my last chemo treatment yesterday!  This feels like a huge accomplishment.  I always dreaded my chemo Tuesdays.  So I'm in my last week of chemo drugs, chemo brain, and chemo nausea.  So glad to be putting this part behind me. Unfortunately my last round of chemo has hit me hard.  I got pretty sick almost immediately after receiving it this time...a really upset stomach and extreme fatigue.  It will last at least 3 days, but I keep reminding myself it's my last week of this chemo crap! (Sorry there is no other word that fits)   I still have 9 radiation treatments, which also feels more doable....I've done 19.  Unfortunately I've started experiencing radiation nausea this week - believe it or not, it's different then chemo nausea.  So my doctors will put me on a new plan of meds starting tomorrow until I'm done my treatments.  Hopefully it will work.  I find constant nausea extremely exhausting.  I do have to say that although it's been a bit of a rough week so far, it sure has been nice to come home to Darryl everyday.  It's so nice to have company in my misery.  We are somewhat of a miserable pair right now.  We pop pills like candy.  We lay around a lot.  We complain about our pain and ailments.  But at least we have each other.  I think we have a new appreciation for each other, and we definitely sympathize for each other in a way no one who hasn't been sick could.

A Successful Surgery

Just wanted to let everyone know Darryl had his surgery today.  According to his doctors, it went extremely well.  They were able to remove the tumor behind his eye, and they are very confident it's benign. Surgery took about 5 hours.  I managed to muster up enough energy to stay at the hospital after my treatments today and spend 1/2 hour with him after he was out of recovery.   He has a 2 inch incision along his eyebrow line, and a bit of swelling, but looked remarkably well.  Much better then I expected.  He remembered me and details about our life, which was a relief for me.  The doctors think he will be able to come home in 2 days!

I also got some good news today.  I met with my oncologist.  She believes treatments are working!  She did a quick test and believes my tumor is shrinking.  What a relief!

So today was a day of good news.
We were surrounded by people who loved us all day!  I had someone with me all the time, and there was always someone in the waiting room just outside the surgery ward. We are so thankful for everyone who was there supporting us.

Thank you also to everyone's good wishes, prayers, and encouragement.

Thank you to God for carrying us through this day that we have been dreading for so long, but can end feeling blessed and giving thanks.
"Fear not, for I am with you.  Be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you,.  Yes I will help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand"  Isaiah 41:10