The Future is Fiction

I have done lots of reading in the past few months, and I'm sorry that I can't remember where I read this statement: "the future is fiction" because it has dramatically affected my thought process.  It really is profound...and true.  Nothing we plan for, hope for, or prepare for will necessarily happen.  Just like nothing we worry about and stress about will necessarily happen.   Nothing besides the present is for sure.  So how does this affect your present situation?   I have spent so many hours wishing my present state away and hoping for or dreading the future.  So in the past few weeks I've tried really hard to be happy for the moment, to make the most of the moment and to reflect on all the blessings I have in a given moment.   Tomorrow I turn 38 years old.  Birthdays are a time when we think in years....reflecting on this past year, many months have been filled with what I did not expect, was not prepared for, and certainly did not hope for.  It makes me wonder what will happen in this next year of my life?  Wondering is ok, but worrying is not.  I've learned that worrying accomplishes only one thing:  to bring down my spirits.   Worrying does not change an outcome, it does not heal, it does not make me feel better, it does not have a single positive result.   So this year, starting on my birthday, I'm going to anticipate the unexpected and wait for it with a sense of hope and wonder, but not worry.   I also know I will fail and fall into worry many times; however, each time I do I'm going to remind myself:  the future is fiction....I have very little control over it (especially that unexpected bad news).  Then I'm going to give it to God and trust Him with it, so I can enjoy the present more then I ever have before. 

This all comes after a week filled with days of constant worrying.  I had my first follow up doctor's appointment this past Thursday.   I was dreading walking into the hospital, and I was extremely anxious about getting bad news.  On Monday these thoughts of dread and anxiety completely controlled me.  I spent most of my day crying, every song I heard on the radio made me cry, commercials on TV made me cry and everything anyone said to me somehow reminded me that I have cancer and I'm tired of it, so I cried.  On Tuesday I started feeling a bit better....there were less tears but the anxious thoughts were still there.  On Tuesday night, I had some friends get me back on track.  They reminded me I have so much to be thankful for right now:  I'm turning 38, I have amazing friends, I'm loved, I made it through treatments: I'm a conqueror.  Wednesday I reminded myself that I don't control the future and that whatever I found out at my appointment will be what it will be and it will be what God intends. 
I was able to walk in to my appointment on Thursday calm and ready.  Thankfully the news was good, in fact it was great.  My doctor didn't do a formal cancer check (I have to wait for April for that), but he checked me over.  He was thrilled with my recovery so far.  He told me he was very pleased with how well and how quickly I've "bounced back" from treatments.  So all my worry was for nothing.  Darryl and I walked out of the hospital hand in hand and realized it was the first time since I was diagnosed that we got to walk out smiling and feeling good about what we had just heard.  It was a foreign feeling to us, but a great one.  When I got home I realized, I  had wasted 2 days of my life worrying.....I don't want that to happen again.  I know anxious thoughts for my April scan and appointments are just around the corner waiting to attack.  I will try my best to stand up to them and not let them get control of me.  

I have had a lot of amazing birthday celebrations already this week planned by my family, friends, and my students.  All of them made me feel so celebrated.  And I have learned birthdays are worth celebrating....every single one of them, not just the "big ones" because every year is another chance to make your mark.  So hello 38!  I'm looking forward to 39!

Ready or Not Here comes Rehab

So the past 2 weeks have been busy.  I have spent a lot of time and energy getting better and doing things I dreamed of doing when I was sick.  I am officially on a rehab program to help me build strength and stamina.  I walk for 15 minutes each day.  I have several strengthening exercises and stretches that I do each day.  Darryl got me started on all of this, but this week, I decided to go see another physio.  I've decided to let Darryl be my husband, and my physio be my physio.  It was a good decision; I'm a more pleasant patient for someone else.  My new physiotherapist completely understands me (she is a cancer survivor); she gives me just enough to work on, and is so encouraging.  I started seeing a counselor at Cancer Care as well this week.  It's good for me to talk to someone who is distant from my situation. It's good to reflect with her and keep the unknowns of the future in perspective.  I've gone back to drinking my green shakes every morning and can take my time to make nutritional meals.  So I'm pretty busy everyday taking care of myself.  It is paying off.  My energy has improved a lot over the past 2 weeks.  More energy means I can do some of the things I have missed.  First, I visited my classroom this week.  It was so exciting!!!  It felt so good walking into my classroom.  The students were surprised and so happy to see me.  They made me feel like a celebrity.  One of my students said, "I'm so happy to see you, I think I could cry."  This made me want to cry.  I got to talk with my students and read them a story.  It felt so great.  At the same time, it was bitter sweet.  I walked out wishing I could stay, but knowing I'm not ready.  I really can't wait to be back in my classroom full time.

I also got to go on a date with Darryl this week.  We went out for dinner and to the Jets game.  It was wonderful.  Dinner was nice and the Jets game was fun!  It was so great to be us, enjoying each other's company without feeling sick.  And the Jets won!

I've also been doing some writing, which I do love and is an important part of who I am.  I used to do a lot of writing for work.  Now I'm writing about this crazy life we've been living.  I was asked to write a piece for our church website telling what we've been through.  It was good therapy for me.....I cried and typed at the same time.  It's amazing how reflecting is already powerful.  Some days I'm still shocked that we've lived through everything we have in the past few months.  I'm still learning a lot about who I am and what is important to me as I am processing all of this.