I usually sit and post my thoughts on a post without any hesitation, but not today. I'm struggling with what to say. Most often my entries are filled with hope, and I always try to write when I'm feeling positive and courageous. This is not the case today. Today we are sad and struggling. But we've chosen to remain honest and truthful with all of our readers. So here it is..... I finally had my 12 week post treatment check up. I also got my PET scan results. I did not get the results I had hoped. The PET scan shows that there may still be cancer cells in my cervix as well as a spot outside my cervix and possibly in my lymph nodes. This is very disappointing. What is even more disappointing is the treatment plan that was laid out for me: if there is persistent cancer in my cervix, I have to have a surgery that would remove all organs from my pelvis, this would include my bladder, rectum and others. I do not qualify for a hysterectomy post radiation treatment; it's an all or nothing deal. If there is cancer in my lymph nodes there is no treatment for a cure, and I will have to go for regular chemo for the rest of my life to achieve some form of stability. The only hope I was given today is that the PET scan can have false positives. My oncologist did an internal exam of me today and thought this could possibly be the case for my situation. He thought my cervix looked and felt cancer free. So he took several biopsies and will send them away to be tested. If they come back cancer free, I will wait another month and have another PET scan. He did tell me that there is a possibility that I am currently cancer free, and the PET scan just picked up cells that had been damaged by radiation. If the cells show that I continue to have cancer, details for surgery or chemo will be laid out for me at that time.
I know many of you don't believe in God. I know some of you aren't sure, and others do believe and have been praying for us. I continue to believe in Him, and I continue to believe He could heal me in an instant if He chose to. I also believe He has allowed me to walk this cancer journey to transform me in so many ways. If you have any belief and maybe even if you don't, we're begging for you to pray with us for healing. Pray that the tests will come back cancer free. Pray that I can avoid surgery and carry on with my life. Most importantly, pray that we (as a family) will have the strength and peace to take each day as it comes and trust in God to take care of us. He is all knowing, all powerful and He's bigger than all of this.
We did feel an incredible peace today, even among the bad news. We could feel God holding us and helping us carry on. Each day will be a challenge in the next few weeks as we wait for results AGAIN!
Tuesday 22 April 2014
Monday 14 April 2014
PET Scan done.....more waiting
Life has been very busy for the past few weeks. We managed to have a few weekend get aways. I have also been decorating our oldest daughter's bedroom....painting, printing pictures, putting together furniture etc. I'm keeping myself as busy as I can. I'm finding that the waiting to find out if treatments worked has been harder in the past 2 weeks then the previous 9 weeks. Now I'm down to a week and a bit until I get the big reveal. Last week I had a PET scan. They scanned my entire body for any signs of cancer. It was a long drawn out series of scans....I lay on a narrow hard bed, inside a tube, with my hands above my head for an hour. As I lay in the scanner, I couldn't help but be curious as to what the techs were seeing. It was like all the secrets about the inside of me were being revealed only a few feet away behind a glass window, and I just had to lay there and wait two more weeks to get the results!
I'm feeling really good. My energy is almost back to normal. I don't have all my strength back, but I'm close. So I have to believe that my results will be good. I find it so hard to believe that I'm not completely healthy because I feel healthier now then I have for at least 8 months. I do have to admit, I'm really afraid of having to feel sick again. I know I will probably end up having surgery and going back to a healing state and being hospitalized makes me feel like I'm going back to prison to serve a second sentence. I have to keep reminding myself the hospital is where I go to get healthy. I need to focus on all the good that goes on there. I am also afraid of being told I need more rounds of chemo. Oh how I hate the side effects of chemo: not being able to think clearly, nausea, tiredness, restlessness etc. But I have to remind myself of all I have accomplished already: 5 rounds of chemo, 25 radiation treatments, 3 HDR treatments, and I had them all happening at the same time. And here I am feeling great. If I have conquered all of this, I can do anything they throw at me next week.
We have put our life somewhat on hold. We have no idea what to expect over the next few months and have planned nothing beyond my next doctor's appointment. I am really looking forward to getting on with life and getting rid of cancer. This morning (unlike many others lately) I woke up so tired of cancer. Thankfully my physio (who is also like a counselor for me) told me to think about all the ways cancer has improved me as a person: inner strength (I do feel like I can do almost anything), better perspective in all areas of my life, a new/better understanding of who God is and what He can accomplish in me, the confirmation that I married the right person, an improved appreciation for the simple things in life, a realization of great supportive family and friends, and the list goes on. It's hard to remember these things when I'm on the brink of more treatment. But today I took the time to make a list. Now I have something to look back at on the hard days.
I often forget to give updates on Darryl because it seems as if he never had any medical issues. He's doing so well. Today he met with his neuro ophthalmologist. His vision is better than pre-surgery!! We are so amazed and thankful for this. He has no double vision at all. His headaches have become less frequent as well. He went for almost 3 weeks without having one. He had one a few days ago, but it wasn't as painful as they used to be. He's almost completely healed. We are so incredibly thankful for this. No more waiting or wondering with him - the best part of all.
I'm feeling really good. My energy is almost back to normal. I don't have all my strength back, but I'm close. So I have to believe that my results will be good. I find it so hard to believe that I'm not completely healthy because I feel healthier now then I have for at least 8 months. I do have to admit, I'm really afraid of having to feel sick again. I know I will probably end up having surgery and going back to a healing state and being hospitalized makes me feel like I'm going back to prison to serve a second sentence. I have to keep reminding myself the hospital is where I go to get healthy. I need to focus on all the good that goes on there. I am also afraid of being told I need more rounds of chemo. Oh how I hate the side effects of chemo: not being able to think clearly, nausea, tiredness, restlessness etc. But I have to remind myself of all I have accomplished already: 5 rounds of chemo, 25 radiation treatments, 3 HDR treatments, and I had them all happening at the same time. And here I am feeling great. If I have conquered all of this, I can do anything they throw at me next week.
We have put our life somewhat on hold. We have no idea what to expect over the next few months and have planned nothing beyond my next doctor's appointment. I am really looking forward to getting on with life and getting rid of cancer. This morning (unlike many others lately) I woke up so tired of cancer. Thankfully my physio (who is also like a counselor for me) told me to think about all the ways cancer has improved me as a person: inner strength (I do feel like I can do almost anything), better perspective in all areas of my life, a new/better understanding of who God is and what He can accomplish in me, the confirmation that I married the right person, an improved appreciation for the simple things in life, a realization of great supportive family and friends, and the list goes on. It's hard to remember these things when I'm on the brink of more treatment. But today I took the time to make a list. Now I have something to look back at on the hard days.
I often forget to give updates on Darryl because it seems as if he never had any medical issues. He's doing so well. Today he met with his neuro ophthalmologist. His vision is better than pre-surgery!! We are so amazed and thankful for this. He has no double vision at all. His headaches have become less frequent as well. He went for almost 3 weeks without having one. He had one a few days ago, but it wasn't as painful as they used to be. He's almost completely healed. We are so incredibly thankful for this. No more waiting or wondering with him - the best part of all.
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