No More Trust

One struggle that I live with everyday is not being able to trust my body.  Whenever I have a pain like a headache, a stomach ache, a back ache, etc.  I don't just take and Advil and sleep it off.  I worry through it.....I question if cancer has relocated, or if a new "attack" is upon me.  I love feeling good so much; so much that I'm afraid of losing it.  What I have come to fear the most in my life is suffering from poor health.  So life is never completely relaxing...there is a constant wondering, especially when I experience pain.  The interesting thing about my mind is that I trust more in God than I do my own body.  I know He is in control, that He holds my future and I trust this.  My body is constantly a mystery to me....I can't completely trust it.  Unfortunately sometimes my trust in God also has trouble keeping my mind out of deep dark places.  Oh how I want to have 100% trust.  I know He will bring peace.  I know He will bring joy.  I know He will love me through every circumstance.  But I want every circumstance to be easy.   This week I have struggled with unexplainable lower back pain, and concern and worry has gotten the best of me often.  So I decided to write about it.  Often writing helps me sort through all the thoughts I have floating through my brain.  Many days I truly can rest in the trust I have in God.  I can somewhat relax.  I can tell myself, "He controls the cancer, it's His will that is best."  And that's all I need to move forward optimistically and living life to the fullest.  Other days I have this inner wrestling between trusting and worrying.  I have learned that these two cannot reside together; there is not room in one's mind for both.  And even when I think I've chosen to trust, worry stays and rearranges my thoughts.  In other words, some days it's hard to completely trust.  These are the days I call on friends to pray me back to my place of trust and peace.  And most often it works.  The one assurance I do have is that through this mumble jumble, I still hold tightly to hope.  I know trust will come.  I know joy will return.  I know my future is secure.  I also know some sunshine would help!  The one place that I go often during these times of testing my faith is my Bible.  Proverbs 3:5 & 6 need to be read and reread sometimes 100 times a day:  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths."  When I read this, I have the head knowledge of what trust looks like and even feels like.  The key is to read it enough so that my heart understands it as well.  You may be struggling with your own trust issues, your own struggles, your own worries.  The challenge for all of us is to give them to God, to trust Him with them and to not take them back.  Not taking them back to worry over is the hardest part.  It's what so many of us continually work on.  I think writing about it has helped me; I hope it's helped you as well.

Thankfully, I am able to fill my life with good distractions, even when it's been a hard week.  Today I went to co-teach with a very dear friend, who I team taught with for many years.  I spent the morning teaching writing (which was my favourite thing to teach).....I felt like Regie (my teacher friends will get a chuckle out of this).  It was great to be back doing what I loved.  I felt so "at home" to be back in the classroom with my friend....we know how each other think/speak/act when we're in the classroom setting.  It was so much fun.  I also have several speaking engagements planned over the next few months, so preparing for them is another great distraction.  I had an amazing yogalaties class yesterday that helped my sore muscles feel better.  I have Jett who still needs daily walks and numerous friends who meet me to encourage me and hopefully be encouraged as well.  So life is good and listing all the goodness I have helps.  I hope you have blessings that you can count in your life as well......we all do.  We just rarely take the time to list them.  So my challenge for all of you today is to try completely trusting and list your joys, so you can celebrate your life.

The Night of our Lives!

Wow we had such an incredible night last night.  Our fundraiser event surpassed our expectations in so many ways:

There were so many people!  It was so much fun to see so many people we hadn't seen in so long.  It was almost surreal to see so many people from so many different parts of our lives all in the same room.  There were a few times throughout the evening when I just stopped and looked over the sea of people and recognized so many.  We felt so loved and cherished!  We tried our best to make our rounds and at least say hi to as many people as we could.  We wished we could have sat and visited for longer with everyone that was there.  We apologize if you were there and our paths did not cross.

The entertainment was amazing!  All 4 bands were unique and so talented.

The prizes were huge!  As a result, many, many tickets were sold and some very lucky winners went home with lots of treasures.  

The whole night ran incredibly smoothly and was obviously well planned and so organized.

We felt incredibly encouraged by peoples' kinds words, the financial support we were given, and hope that filled the room.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
to everyone who helped plan this event, who worked at it, who performed at it, who attended it, who supported us and who gave prizes.  You made this whole night possible, and it truly was an exceptional night.  I wish everyone could feel this loved and this special for one night!

Grade 10 Science

Today was another new experience for me.  I went to speak to a grade 10 class about the realities of having cancer.  The class was learning about cancer, and their teacher wanted them to hear about my experience to "give cancer a face".   When I start telling my story, I can get pretty passionate and lose track of time.  I talked a really long time....almost 75 minutes.  I mostly focussed on the facts of my journey:  how I was diagnosed, what treatments were really like, what my diet and natural medication plan looks like now and most importantly we talked about HPV and the urgency of having our girls vaccinated.  We are 90% sure my cancer was caused by HPV that was not diagnosed until it became cancer.  Having the vaccination could have saved me from all of this. (If you know someone who has a daughter in grade 6, urge them to learn all they can about the vaccination and the truth about HPV...Cancer Care Manitoba has lots of good information about it.)  Anyway back to today.....I talked a long time, and it was hard to tell if the students were intrigued or bored.  The teacher reassured me after that they were interested in what I had to say, so hopefully she is right.  The class sent me a list of questions that they had before my visit today.  I was impressed with their insight.  A lot of them had questions about how my perspective on life has changed.  I was fascinated that these young kids, in the prime of their lives thought about such things.  I really tried to impress upon them the importance of living for the present and making each day count.  I focused on my physical wellbeing and my mental health.  It wasn't the time or place to get deep into my belief system or the spiritual journey that I've been on, but it was interesting to me how my mind kept going there.  As I drove home, I reflected on how intertwined my physical health, my mental health, and my spiritual health are.  They can't really be shared apart from each other for someone to really understand the whole truth about me.  When I was asked what my coping strategies are today, I said, "my faith, prayer, meditation, relying on friends/family, physio, exercising, keeping stress levels low, keeping life normal etc."  Inside I wanted to scream:  "And I have a miraculous peace inside of me that no one can fathom.  It comes from understanding that God is in control of my life, and He loves me more then I can understand.  So everyday I wake up and thank God for my health and that I'm alive today.  I thank Him that I get to be with my kids and husband today.  I thank Him for all of my friends and family members that are blessing my life.  Many days,  I tell Him I'm scared and need Him to carry me through my scary thoughts.  Then I relax, knowing He will carry me through everything I experience, and He is bigger than anything I will ever face.  And finally I ask Him to show me ways I can give back to this wonderful world He's placed me in, and then I wait for opportunities that He presents before me."  This is how I cope.  This is how I manage to live this life.  I knew the grade 10's probably weren't ready to hear all of that and would think I was a crazy lady.  Maybe some of you aren't ready to hear it either and think I'm crazy, but that's okay.  This is my blog filled with me and my thoughts and I've been real with all of you through this entire journey, so why not today as well?  This is honestly how I start each day now and probably will for the rest of my life.  It's a gift to start each day like this.  It's a blessing in so many ways.

Speaking of blessings, I can't end without sharing how excited I am for this coming Saturday.  Our fundraiser social is coming up!  So many people have put so many endless hours of work into making it happen.  I can't wait to see it all come together.  I can't wait to see so many people from so many different parts of our lives all at the same place having fun together.  I can't wait to hear the bands and  watch the dancers perform.  I know it will be surreal.  Saying thank you for everyone's hard work seems too small, so I'll save that for Saturday night.  Can't wait!  Hope all of you who are coming are also looking forward to it.